


By the Waters of Babylon

by Taylor Dancinghands (tdancinghands)



Series: Chronicles of a Lonely City [6]
Category: Stargate Atlantis, Stargate SG-1
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Episode: s03e10 The Return Part 1, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Sentient Atlantis
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-05-26
Updated: 2012-05-27
Packaged: 2017-11-06 01:35:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 35,490
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/413270
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tdancinghands/pseuds/Taylor%20Dancinghands
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What happens when the events of "The Return" pts 1 & 2 occur in the 'Lonely City' universe?  Exile from their lover is shattering for Rodney and Radek, and Atlantis' very sentient existence is threatened.  The road back is a long one, and tests all our heroes to their limits.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I. Exile

**Author's Note:**

> Beta: Thanks eversomuch to [info]mice1900 for stepping in at the last minute and assuring that I did not embarrass myself w/ silly spelling mistakes and too many dashes.
> 
> In addition, Radek would not know nearly as many lovely things to say in Czech without my invaluable, local language adviser, [info]dinofly.

**I. Exile**

_By the rivers of Babylon,  
there we sat down, yea, we wept,  
when we remembered…_

_**~Psalms 137** _

**

Prologue

"You can't do this!"

Rodney was aware that he was repeating himself, but he couldn't think of anything else to say. He had no words for how very wrong it would be for the Ancient commander to do as she was suggesting.

"So you have said, a number of times," Helia replied with infuriating but intractable patience, "but you have not yet made clear to me why."

"Because it will destroy him," Rodney answered, as close as he'd ever been to pleading with anyone. "I don't know how much clearer I can make it."

"And I still do not know what you mean by this," she replied. "We have stated already that we will be able to remove the nanocites without physically harming him in any way. This is certainly preferable to having him leave here with the nanocites in his body which, as you have pointed out, will result in irreparable brain damage."

"I'm not talking about physical damage," Rodney said, just barely holding himself back from accusing the woman of being purposefully obtuse. "I'm talking about psychological damage. He's been sharing his mind with this city for over a year and a half now, for god's sake. You can't just expect him to walk away from that at a moment's notice."

The object of this heated discussion presently stood alone, in the center of the gate room, staring down at his hands, where his fingers pulled at one another in nervous misery. Radek Zelenka had expressed a certain resignation about his fate from the moment the returning Ancients took control of Atlantis, and had asked Rodney not to make a fuss, but that was just not the kind of man Rodney McKay was. The anxious, sorrowful cast of his lover's eyes, and the terrified alarm of the city's presence in his own mind would not let him be.

"We can," Helia answered him coldly, "and we have. Under no circumstance will Dr Zelenka, or any of your people save your selected representative, Mr. Woolsey, be allowed to remain here. I do not know how much clearer we can make _that_."

"Dammit!" Rodney could not remember ever being this desperate, save, perhaps, for the time that he had stepped in front of Acastus Kolya's gun to save Dr Weir's life. She was here now, standing beside Sheppard in the gate room, pack on her shoulders, ready to leave. She had not tried to convince Rodney against making his case, as she'd known it was futile, but she hadn't offered him any hope either. She'd lend him support, had she any to lend, Rodney knew, but she was just as helpless as he.

Carson Beckett remained as well, as he'd begun by explaining Radek's unique circumstances to the Ancients, before they made them all step though the gate. They'd listened with concern at first, as the doctor had detailed how debilitating it would be for Radek to be removed from the artificial intelligence which controlled the nanocites dwelling in his brain and body. Then they'd sent the technician to bring the console with the handheld device that they claimed would harmlessly remove the nanocites from Radek. That was when Rodney had felt the city reel with dismay, and seen Radek's face fall in despair.

"Dammit," he said again as the technician took up the device and moved towards Radek. "Don't you understand?" Rodney could barely believe he was going to say the words that were about to come out of his mouth, but he was out of ideas, out of hope, and out of time. "He loves her!" he plead, "and she loves him. You can't do this to them… Please…"

Rodney's heart sank when he saw the grimace of distaste that crossed Helia's features. "As much as you are to be commended for managing so well with things so far beyond your understanding," she said with disdain, "surely you understand that the… personality which has developed in Atlantis' information systems is an… aberration? This and other… eccentricities which have understandably cropped up during our absence will be corrected and restored to their proper condition in due time. It's clear that many of you have formed… attachments to many aspects of Atlantis, but I must remind you that this city is not yours and never has been. You have been able caretakers, but that is all you ever could be."

At last, Rodney felt despair crashing down on him. He had nothing. Turning back to Radek, he met his lover's eyes, seeing, for probably the last time, the light of yet another intelligence within them, just as heartbroken as he was. Radek stood up straight, lifting his head as the technician approached and closed his eyes, facing his fate as bravely as he could. The Ancient tech lifted the alien device and pointed it at Radek till a faint greenish light shone forth, then he passed it over Radek's body slowly, from his head to his feet.

Rodey saw Radek reach his hands out, involuntarily grasping for something being torn out of his grip, and then his eyes flew open and he gave a agonized, heartbroken cry. Rodney was striding to Radek's side the very second that the technician lowered his device, and was able to catch Radek as his knees buckled, before he could crumple to the floor. Sheppard was at Radek's other side a moment later, helping Rodney to support his weight, but Radek had fallen silent, hanging lifelessly in their arms.

"You said it wouldn't hurt him!" Rodney cried accusingly at Helia, feeling Atlantis' bereft terror and grief at the back of his mind.

"There may be some momentary shock to his system," Helia said carelessly, "but if you examine him I think you will find that he has not been harmed."

Carson, who had been standing by the technician's console, curiously eying the device he'd used, was already moving towards them, and a moment later was standing before Radek, lifting his head to lay fingers on his throat and feel his pulse, and looking carefully into his eyes.

"Aye, it's likely he's in shock," Carson said, "but I won't know what else is going on until we get him to an infirmary."

"Then I recommend that you take him to yours," Helia said, "with all due expedience." She turned her back on them then, clearly finished with the whole distasteful business, and returned to consulting with her own people. There was nothing more to be said, and nothing left to do but go home… back to Earth, though Rodney hadn't thought of Earth as home for some time now.

The gate was still open, the shimmering blue surface of the event horizon awaiting them, and they stepped up to it together, five abreast. Looking back over his shoulder as he stood at the threshold, Rodney felt the presence of Atlantis in his mind one last time. Over the years that he had known her, he had shared joy, desperation, excitement, curiosity and even arousal with the sentient city, but never before had he felt such sorrow from her. And Rodney shared that feeling as well.

They had been lovers, after a fashion, he and Radek and Atlantis, and now one lover hung wounded and insensible in his arms, and he was leaving the other, most likely to be 'corrected' out of existence by the heartless beings who had claimed that he could never be more than a 'caretaker' to the city he loved. He silently mouthed those three words before he stepped through the event horizon, knowing that she would see them and understand. Then, feeling Sheppard tug on the other side of Radek's unconscious body, Rodney followed him forward, over the threshold.

Rodney McKay was one of the world's foremost experts on wormhole physics. He knew that the wormholes that connected two stargates transmitted data in discrete packages, sending items in whole, and never in part, and yet Rodney knew that today, those principles had failed him. Rodney McKay was a whole person when he left Atlantis that day, but when he arrived on Earth, only seconds later, he knew that some vital part of him was missing, left behind or lost, somehow, in the wormhole, and he knew it was lost for good.

~*~

**Chapter 1**

Radek remained in a state fairly close to catatonia for the next two days. He responded to nothing and no one, save for occasionally turning his head towards Rodney at odd moments. He would not make eye contact with anyone, or eat, and had to be put on an IV at first. Rodney remained by his side whenever he could, though his presence was frequently demanded for various briefings and debriefings, along with all of Atlantis' other senior staff.

Radek was never alone, however. Elizabeth came to sit by his side often, as did Carson and even Colonel Sheppard. Rodney himself, he came to notice eventually, was seldom alone either. While he sat with Radek in the SGC's infirmary, Carson, Elizabeth or Sheppard were there too, as often as not. More remarkably still, when they weren't, Sam Carter or Daniel Jackson might be found there instead. Rodney had no answer for why they were, but these were all things well outside his area of expertise.

He had little attention for such things anyway, as it was the sick, scared feeling that clenched in his gut every time he returned to the infirmary to see that Radek hadn't moved a muscle in the last 5 hours, that rode uppermost in his thoughts now. Rodney had played host to those nanocites himself on more than one occasion, and he could not help but dwell upon how Atlantis had filled his mind when they were there, and how horribly wrenching it must have been to have her forcibly removed after sharing one's mind like that for over two years. There was a very frightened voice inside Rodney telling him that there might very well be no coming back after a loss like that, and the sick, scared feeling got worse whenever that voice spoke. Rodney didn't eat much those first two days, and he didn’t seep too well, either.

Radek's condition began to improve, ever so slightly, on the third day, however. He would look at Rodney (for a moment only, but still) when Rodney spoke Radek's name, and he began to allow Rodney to feed him, so that the IV could be detached. Further small but significant improvements came on the following day as well, and though he still would not speak or really make eye contact, Radek now responded regularly to Rodney's voice, and sometimes Carson's or Elizabeth's, and had begun to indicate preferences for certain foods.

While all of the SGC's doctors, including Carson, who was the only one Rodney really paid any attention to, said that this was a strong indicator that Radek would eventually recover, the SGC's psychiatric specialist, Dr MacKenzie, began to suggest that this recovery might be better achieved at a dedicated psychiatric facility, rather than in the SGC's on-base infirmary. Rodney knew that this was a bad idea from the first moment he heard it, but General Landry was inclined to listen to MacKenzie, particularly in regards to the SGC's infirmary not being set up for long term care. Dr Lamb wasn't inclined to disagree, and while Carson argued against it, he was still officially on leave, and didn't actually have a new position yet, and therefore didn't carry much weight.

Surprisingly, it was Daniel Jackson who stepped into the fray on Radek's behalf, with, Rodney thought, an almost alarming fervor. Bristling with righteous indignation, Daniel had all but dressed down the General in his own infirmary, as Rodney, Carson and Samantha Carter looked on with varying degrees of affection and astonishment.

"The only thing dragging that man beck to reality are his friends!" Daniel had insisted, gesturing at Rodney and Carson. "Take them out of his life and he'll craw right back into the hole where he was when he first came here, and he'll never come out again."

"No one is saying they won't be able to visit, Daniel…" Landry began to protest, but Daniel cut him off fearlessly.

" _You_ are!" Daniel insisted. "McKay, Beckett, all the people who mean anything to Radek Zelenka are needed here, and will be for the next several weeks, you've said so yourself. Having his friends pop in for a few minutes every day isn't going to do the trick, General. He needs to see that they're with him, all the time, and they can't do that if you've got him holed up at Springview."

While Rodney was inclined to give credit where credit was due in the case of Jackson's contribution to the Stargate Program, he still saw him as just another soft scientist, albeit at fairly talented one. Nonetheless, Rodney had felt obliged to seek the man out and thank him after Landry had acquiesced and promised to let Radek stay at the SGC for as long as his friends were required to be there, at least. Daniel had only shrugged, however, smiling a little sadly as he had told Rodney that it was something he knew about, and that he had some sway with the SGC in such matters.

Rodney didn't understand until Sam caught up with him a little later and slipped a flash drive into his hand which contained an SG-1 mission report and other related files, from about eight years ago. He read them that night as Radek slept and had developed a new admiration for Daniel Jackson by the time he was done. He found himself wishing that there was some way he could repay the man, or even show his thanks, but he doubted that there was.

Radek woke seeming confused and agitated the next morning, and shortly thereafter suddenly began crying. While it was painful to see, Carson and Dr. Lamb, and even Dr. MacKenzie all agreed that this was a sure sign of progress. Rodney had to concede the point because when he had instinctively gathered Radek into his arms as he'd wept, the man had clung to him with desperate strength. To feel Radek moving, responsive and alive after days of listless absence, was to feel much of the terrible dread lift away from Rodney's soul, and he found a guttering flame of hope come to rise in its place. The flame did not die, even as Radek continued to weep, ceasing only when he ate and slept, for the next three days.

Hope can be a painful thing, however, and Rodney found himself eating and sleeping even less over the next couple of days, unable to tear himself away from Radek's side while he was in such distress. Seeing Rodney wobble dangerously when returning to Radek's side with a fresh box of kleenex and a bottle of water, Carson had intervened, insisting that Rodney take a break, get a real meal and at least five hours of sleep.

Rodney had resisted until he'd felt Radek pushing him away, attempting and failing to speak for perhaps fourth or fifth time that day, but making himself clear nonetheless. Elizabeth was waiting to take Rodney's place at Radek's side, and Carson wasn't going to take no for an answer and there was Radek, squeezing his hand one last time and then releasing it, pushing him gently towards Carson. Rodney could only obey, following numbly in Carson's footsteps until they were about halfway to the mess hall, and then suddenly Rodney felt something about to break open inside him, and desperately pulled Carson aside, into an unoccupied briefing room.

The tears spilled out the moment the door closed behind them, and Carson gently put his arms around Rodney, pulling him close to weep on his shoulder. At first Rodney felt he must have had a tear to answer every one of Radek's, but Carson's soft voice and hand gently stroking his back soon calmed him. Eventually he found himself sniffling back the last of his sobs and lifting his head to wipe the tears away with the handkerchief Carson offered him.

"Are y'all right now love?" Carson asked gently.

"Sort of," said Rodney, still a bit watery voiced. "I probably do need to eat."

"Aye, like as not," said Carson with an indulgent smile. "But I think you probably needed that too."

Rodney nodded and sniffled again. "Yeah," he said quietly. "It's… it's just so hard to see him… hurting so much."

"It is, but he's processing now," Carson said. "And your being there, you know it's helping, more than anything else we could do for him. Ye've both got the strength to see each other through this, I know you do, and ye mustn't be afraid to lean on your friends from time to time, either."

"Yeah," said Rodney again, fishing a kleenex out of his pocket to blow his nose on. "Thanks for that, a lot. Now let's go get some lunch."

Radek's tears began to taper off the next day, and he finally found himself able to speak, a little. Mostly it was just names at first, as he would greet the person coming to sit by his bed, or recognized who was sitting at his side when he woke, and often the act of speaking would bring about a fresh wave of tears, but through it all Rodney could see that he was fighting to get back onto an even keel. Holding Radek's hand as he rested, feeding him when he was too exhausted or dispirited to feed himself, Rodney fought along side him, and felt the tiny flame of hope in his heart grow brighter by the day.

In the end, Radek spent two and a half weeks in the SGC's infirmary, and another week on base, sharing one of the small 'VIP' apartments with Rodney. Radek remained there for the duration of his stay, so the two of them were never seen out in the halls or in the mess together, but the fact of their cohabitation, and their relationship, was known, inevitably, throughout the base. Technically, it wasn't anybody's business, as they were both civilians and neither of them were even US citizens, but Rodney still got ugly, disgusted looks from time to time as he went to fetch their meals from the mess hall.

Rodney only hunched his shoulders and told himself that he'd endured worse, and that he was safe here, even if he wasn't exactly welcomed by everyone. That sense of safety was strengthened after the day that Teal'c surprisingly followed him out of the mess hall and offered to help him carry Radek's lunch back to their quarters.

"Indeed, no one would dare to harm you here," Teal'c said as he offered one of his patented Terrifying Scowls to an airman passing them in the hall who'd greeted Rodney with a disapproving frown. "But some imagine that things would be different if they met you elsewhere. I am only trying to convince them of the foolishness of such imaginings."

"Why…" Rodney asked, plainly confused as they stopped at his door. "Why would you do that?" He had not for a moment forgotten that his first act at the SGC had been to try and convince SG-1 that Teal'c's life was as good as lost, and that they should give up on him.

"You are not the same man you were when you first came here, Rodney McKay," Teal'c said, and Rodney remembered that here was a man who also knew a great deal about redemption. "If I did not think so before, then seeing you recently, caring for your mate in the infirmary, would have convinced me. You are a man of great heart, Rodney McKay, and more than worthy of our friendship."

This was the kind of thing that Rodney found almost impossible to process, and so merely thanked the man awkwardly as he reentered the quarters he shared with Radek. He ended up recounting the conversation to Radek as the two of them ate their lunch, though, and it was worth it because hearing him tell of Teal'c's words coaxed a rare smile out of Radek.

"Does this mean that we are now honorary members of SG-1?" he asked as he finished his sandwich with more appetite than Rodney had seen him exhibit in some time.

"I dunno," Rodney said with a shrug, still left a little at sea by the Jaffa's words and actions. They left a little sort of warm spot in his heart, as well, though, that he could not explain either.

"I suppose… maybe we might be," he said at last. "Not altogether a bad thing, when you think about it."

"No," relied Radek, the faintest hint of a sparkle in his eyes. "Not at all."

~*~


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The road to recovery will not be a smooth one.

After a week cooped up in a windowless apartment, even Radek began to long to be staying somewhere else, though the word 'home' had been banished from both their vocabularies. The both knew where 'home' was, and they knew they were never going back there. They did have someplace to go, though, and that was Rodney's apartment, which he had visited a couple of times since he'd gotten back, and had cleaned.

Over the last week Radek had been subjected to a bewildering variety of anti-depressants and mood stabilizers, in countless combinations, until Dr. MacKenzie finally found a combination that satisfied him. Having gotten Radek accustomed to this particular witch's brew, he declared Radek fit to leave the base, as long as he stayed on his meds and wasn't left alone. Rodney was never going to do that, but was keen to get them both out of there and so, just under four weeks after they'd arrived back on earth, Rodney and Radek finally escaped the confines of Cheyenne Mountain and moved into Rodney's Colorado Springs apartment.

They couldn't call it home, not really, but it was theirs, and theirs alone, and that would have to do.

Daniel had brought to Rodney's attention a little Czech bakery on the far side of Colorado Springs, and on the morning before they made the move to Rodney's apartment, Rodney had driven out there and bought a bag of little round pastries–sort of like a dessert pizza, he'd thought to himself- with poppy seeds and cream cheese in the center. He and Radek had stopped for regular pizza on the way to his apartment, so it would still be warm and fresh when they arrived.

The pizza had filled the recently cleaned apartment with smells other than cleaning products, and Rodney was ravenous, demolishing almost half of it in minutes. The journey had exhausted Radek however, and he only managed two small slices before giving up.

"I am too tired to eat, Rodney," he complained as Rodney tried to coax him into eating another piece. Carson had been worried about the weight that Radek had been loosing, and Rodney worried too. The man had never had much to spare on his body, and now he was beginning to look almost gaunt. The little bit of round belly Rodney had loved to rest his head on after an evening of lovemaking was but a shadow of its former self… and of course they had not made love since returning from Atlantis either.

"Could I tempt you with dessert?" Rodney asked, ignoring Radek shaking his head, 'no'. "I got something special…"

This, at least piqued Radek's curiosity, and his eyes widened at the sight of the pastry Rodney drew forth from the bag he'd brought from the bakery.

"Kolach?" Radek asked, picking up one of the pastries almost reverently. "Where did you find kolach in Colorado Springs, Rodney?"

"Daniel told be about the place, actually" Rodney answered. "A little bakery on the far east side of town. No telling if they'll meet your standards or not, of course…" The rapturous look on Radek's face as he bit into the pastry seemed to answer that question though.

"I cannot think how long it has been… decades perhaps, since I last had kolach," Radek said when he mouth was finally empty, "and these are quite good. You brought enough for yourself as well, yes?" he asked.

Rodney was so engrossed in watching Radek enjoy his food that he hadn't even thought about trying one of the 'kolach' for himself, but he'd gotten four and so was soon munching down one of his own. "Not bad," he remarked, reflecting that he'd never met a poppy seed filled anything that he didn't like.

"Not at all," agreed Radek as he finished his. "You will have to take me to this bakery sometime soon, yes?"

"Sure," said Rodney with a smile. "Looks like the job of fattening you up just got a lot easier. Want another one? I got four."

Once again, Radek shook his head. "This one is enough for now," he said. "Perhaps we can save the other two for breakfast tomorrow?"

That sounded like a fine idea to Rodney, who finished his own kolach forthwith and then helped Radek to bed. Rodney returned to the living room after he had settled Radek for the night, reflecting that even if the challenge of 'fattening Radek up' had been solved (and it hadn't, really), a world of other, far greater challenges awaited both of them.

Radek's current regimen of medications left him less likely to spend days crying, but also tired and fuzzy-headed all the time. They also did little to mitigate the bad days, and there were bad days, all too frequently. On moderately bad days Radek spent most of his time wearing nothing but boxers and a robe, sitting in front of the TV and watching the Weather Channel. There were worse things, Rodney allowed, and Radek told him he found it not too taxing on his diminished intellectual facilities, and just distracting enough. On really bad days Radek didn't even get out of bed, and was still prone to tears and crying spells that could last for hours. 

Even though Radek was tired all the time, he was also plagued with insomnia. Doctor MacKenzie had given Rodney a bottle of sleeping pills for when Radek's insomnia got really bad, but cautioned him to keep them away from Radek. He hadn't openly spoken of suicide, nor made any overt attempts, but MacKenzie seemed to think it was still a risk and Rodney wasn't going to take any chances. Nothing terrified him more.

Radek could be argumentative and poor tempered on his moderately bad days too, and did occasionally say things then which frightened Rodney. Remarks Radek made about not caring about his life any more, or of Rodney being free of him some time in the future, tossed out in an offhand way, kept Rodney awake too many nights, and he was afraid to bring them up again or ask Radek what he meant. He didn't want to believe that Radek might really be suicidal, but didn't want Radek to try and hide it if he was. Rodney had nearly as many sleepless nights as Radek, and he didn't ever dare take a sleeping pill.

Rodney worked from home during the day, writing reports and sending emails to the SGC's other science staff, and at night, or when Radek slept, he read the articles that Carson sent him about depression and PTSD. He knew it would be a long, long time before Radek was anything like his old self, and that he would likely never really be the same again, but he also knew that, over time, the bad days would come less often, the good days more so, and that Radek would, most likely, come to be self sustaining and functional again… some day.

Rodney reflected, after yet another meal-time squabble that had concluded with Radek telling him to 'leave him the fuck alone' and storming off to the bedroom, slamming the door behind him, that Teal'c didn't know how right he was when he'd said that Rodney had changed. He had no idea where this boundless reservoir of patience had come from that he suddenly had, but he found himself enduring Radek's poor moods and hissy fits and childish behaviors with the patience of a saint. Even Carson, who visited regularly, along with Elizabeth and Sheppard, remarked on it.

The visits, and Carson's praise, meant more to him than he ever would have imagined. They came to visit on Radek's good days, and on his bad ones too, and while the good day visits were fun, and gave Rodney hope, the visits that came on Radek's bad days were life savers. He didn't know what he would have done without Carson and Sheppard or Elizabeth coming over so that one of them could sit and watch the Weather Channel with Radek while Sheppard or Carson drove him to the pizza place or just walked around the block with him and let Rodney rant about the wretched behavior he'd had to put up with over the last week or so.

On Atlantis, Rodney had come to realize that he had 'family', but now, here on Earth, he was learning just what family was for.

His 'family' worried about him, too, and not just Radek, though this complicated things at times. Sometimes, when Carson had come to visit on one of the bad days, when Rodney hadn't slept for too long and Radek's behavior had been particularly worrisome, Carson would hesitate before leaving, and Rodney would know that the dark circles under his eyes showed, and that his attempts at stoicism hadn't fooled the man in the least. Carson would rest his hand on Rodney's shoulder and pause a moment, asking a question with his eyes that he wouldn't ask out loud, because he knew Rodney wouldn't give him a true answer, and because he knew the truth already anyway.

And Rodney would say, "I'll be okay, Carson," or some such nonsense, and then Carson would leave, but he'd always call later, and he'd always come back the next day.

Still, boundless reservoir of patience and good friends notwithstanding, Rodney knew it was all starting to wear on him. He told himself that this was just another crisis that he'd have to weather, no matter what, like the hurricane or the Wraith siege, but Rodney was beginning to come to the conclusion that this might the first crisis he had encountered that coffee and chutzpa alone wouldn't see him through. 

There was also the fact, which Rodney tried steadfastly not to think about, that in those last terrible crises, he'd had Radek at his side, his companionship as important, if not more so, than his genius and his labors. Though his friends did what they could, too often Rodney found himself feeling more alone than he had in a long, long time. It was a frightening feeling, one that brought him closer to hopelessness and despair with every passing week.

Rodney tried to stave these off by keeping a running average of Radek's good and bad days in his head, though any improvement in the ratio of good days to bad that he was able to track in those first few weeks was so small he knew it to be statistically irrelevant. Statistically, Rodney also knew, that runs of good and/or bad days were bound to occur, and that it didn't mean anything in the long run, but that didn't change how he felt at all. 

It was in their third week at Rodney's apartment that Radek had a run of days so bad that Rodney even considered calling MacKenzie and adjusting Radek's meds. The fourth day of that run Rodney had actually managed to coax Radek out of bed but he was so unspeakably rude to Carson and Elizabeth when they came to visit that they left early.

"You'd probably better call before you come tomorrow," Rodney had said apologetically, and Carson had laid his hand on Rodney's shoulder and looked so worried that Rodney couldn't even bring himself to mumble the usual lie. Then he drew a deep breath and went back inside to confront the ordeal of dinner.

~*~


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things get worse before they get better.

Radek hadn't eaten anything but two pieces of toast all day, and had nearly thrown the sandwiches Rodney had made for lunch back in his face. Rodney knew that between Radek's depression and his medications, his appetite was never good and, for all the Czech pastries that Rodney tried to feed him, Radek was still losing weight. Meal times had become so fraught that even Rodney was failing to eat regularly (something he had carefully not mentioned to Carson), and he had caught himself twice over the last month growing lightheaded from low blood sugar –a mistake he had not made since his college days.

Rodney probably hadn't eaten enough that evening either, and his patience was as thin as it had been in weeks when he dragged Radek to the table and set his dinner before him. It was a very bad start then, when Radek pushed back from the table and announced that he didn't feel like eating spaghetti that night.

"Too bad," Rodney said humorlessly as he sat heavily in his own chair and shoveled the first bite into his own mouth, "because that's what I made."

"Fine," said Radek petulantly. "Then I won't eat. I wasn't hungry anyway."

"Sit the fuck back down and eat your god damned dinner!" Rodney snapped as Radek stood to leave the table. "You haven't eaten a damn thing all day and you are not going to bed till you've had a proper meal."

Radek sat back down, but only stirred at his food disinterestedly. "What does it matter?" he muttered.

"Matter?" Rodney bristled, his mouth full. "I'll tell you what it matters! What matters is that you've lost a half a kilo a week since you left the SGC. What matters is that they're going to take you back to the SGC infirmary, or worse, that Springview place MacKenzie wanted to lock you up in, if you don't stop losing weight."

"Well then maybe you'd better let them," Radek said darkly, pushing his plate away. "Because I am not eating this."

"What?" Rodney cried with alarm as Radek stood and left the table. "Radek, wait… why…?"

"Leave me alone, damn you!" Radek shouted as he headed back to the bedroom.

"Radek, I can't," Rodney plead. "You know I can't."

"Why?" Radek turned on him with sudden vehemence. "Why can't you? Why do you even bother? Why is it any of your damned business!"

He whirled away before Rodney could even answer and stormed into the bedroom, slamming the door behind him. "Is my business, not yours!" Radek yelled through the door. "Whether I eat or don't, whether I live or die; my decision, not yours!"

Standing alone in the living room, Rodney heard the creaking of the bed being suddenly and heavily occupied, and knew that Radek had said his piece and would be silent for the rest of the night. It had gone this way too many times before. Returning to the dinning room, to his own abandoned dinner, Rodney found he could not face food at all now. He left both the plates there on the table and returned to the living room to sit heavily on the sofa and pick up his laptop.

If he sat idle he would only replay Radek's last words in his mind, or fret that Radek would decide that having lost one lover, he would just as soon not have any. Those things plagued him enough during his all too frequent sleepless nights, and he had no desire to wrestle with them now. Work had always been his solace, but now he found that he hadn't the concentration for that, either. He set his laptop back on the coffee table after only half an hour, sighing heavily.

It didn't mean anything, Rodney told himself for the hundredth time. It was just another bad day. He'd had a really good day only last week. They'd played three games of chess and Radek had actually beaten him in one. This was just a little heartbreaking to contemplate too, as when his mind wasn't fogged over by drugs Radek usually kicked Rodney's ass at chess, but the fact that he'd had the interest and concentration to play three games and actually win one had to mean something. It had to.

Struggling with traitorous thoughts that he knew were leading him down a very dangerous road, Rodney turned to look out his window, taking in the usually uplifting and occasionally breathtaking view that was one of the main reason's he'd chosen this apartment. The sun had just set, and in the dusk, the lights of the city of Colorado Springs below were just coming on, glimmering in the lengthening shadows of the mountains to the west. For a moment, it reminded Rodney of Atlantis.

For just a moment he had seen the graceful spires of his beloved city transposed over the lights and streets outside his window, then the vision was gone and Rodney was suddenly so achingly homesick that it was a almost a physical pain in his chest, like a heart attack. He shut his eyes against the vision, but it was too late and now, godammit, there was a lump forming in his throat and he couldn't… just couldn't… not now.

Rodney struggled mightily, but in vain, and a few moments later he felt the tears seeping traitorously past his tightly shut eyes, and felt his breath catch. It all fell apart then, and he found himself wrapping his arms around his waist and bending his head to his knees, the sobs wracking him even as he sought to keep them silent at least. At least Radek had shut the door and was hopefully sleeping though all this, so that maybe Rodney could get through this little lapse without his ever knowing. He choked on his sobs, trying futilely to get them under control… and then heard a faint stirring from the bedroom.

No, no, no, he chanted silently. Don't let him wake now; don't let him hear, but the apartment was too small, the walls too thin, and Radek's hearing, damn him, too acute. If Rodney could hear the sound of Radek rising from the bed in the next room, how could Radek not hear him, weeping brokenly on the sofa?

"Rodney?" The bedroom door was not open yet, Rodney told himself. Maybe he could still be put off…

"Go back to bed, Radek," he said, striving mightily to keep his voice steady.

But no, that was the bedroom door opening, and soft footfalls crossing the room. He was so screwed…

"Rodney…? What…?"

"It's nothing. Go back to bed, damn you." No, that hadn't sounded good at all, had it? Rodney turned away from the approaching footsteps, as useless as that was. No one could say he hadn't tried.

"Rodney…" There was a weight on the sofa beside him, and a hand on his shoulders, and the voice speaking his name hadn't been angry, or broken, but affectionate and gently chiding. It was more than Rodney could bear.

"Please…" he'd sobbed and then, "I'm sorry…" and then Radek's arms were around him, pulling him close, rocking him gently as he sobbed aloud, tears falling hard on his lover's shoulder.

"Všechno je v pořádku; všechno bude v pořádku. Vždyť to není tak strašné. Uvidíš, všechno bude dobré, všechno dobře dopadne," Radek murmured softly. "Hush, miláčku. Hush now." And Rodney had never found his lover's mother tongue so gentle or comforting in all his life.

"…Miss her so much," Rodney choked out between sobs at one point, and Radek bent his head to kiss his tear streaked face and murmured, "I know, miláčku; I know," but his voice had been steady, if sad, full of kindness and devotion.

After much longer than he would have liked to think, Rodney finally had the grace to feel ashamed for leaning on a man so bereft and traumatized, and managed to get himself under some semblance of control, sniffling back his sobs and steadying his breath.

"I'm really sorry," he said, his voice still not altogether steady. "I know… you didn't really need that."

Radek shook his head kindly and reached for the box of kleenex. "It is all right, Rodney," he said. "And in truth, I think maybe I did need it."

"What…?" Rodney said, feeling woozy from his long cry, and probably from low blood sugar as well.

"I have been selfish," Radek said, "and thoughtless, and terribly cruel to you, miláčku. For that I am so very sorry. I needed to remember that I am not the only one who lost a love, and that you are not the only one who has to be strong."

"But you…" Rodney struggled to say what he meant. "You were the one they hurt, not me. You shouldn't have to be strong; that's… that's my job right now."

"Did you not love her too?" Radek asked gently. "Does it not hurt, here," Radek laid his hand over Rodney's heart, "when you remember that you will never see her again?"

It did hurt, and Radek's words, and his touch, wrung fresh tears from Rodney's eyes. Radek took his tears for an answer, and drew Rodney in to lay with his head over Radek's heart.

"If only one of us must be strong then we are each alone, and this is not right," Radek said. "We loved her together and we lost her together, and we must both be strong for each other. It is what she would wish, yes?"

"Yeah, okay," Rodney said with a sniffle.

Radek kissed him again, stroking his fingers gently through Rodney's hair. "I am very sorry," Radek said after a moment, "about this evening. I make no excuses."

"You don't have to," Rodney answered. "I understand. Really."

Radek shook his head. "No," he said. "There was no need for me to be so cruel." With gentle fingers he lifted Rodney's head to meet his eyes. "I do love you, Rodney, and I let you think that I did not, and worse…" Radek's eyes slipped down in shame. "What is worse is that I let you think that I…"

Radek drew a breath and lifted his eyes to meet Rodney's again. "Rodney there is one thing that I swear that I will never do to you. It would be unforgivable. Miláčku, I swear to you on my honor that I will never leave you, not as long as you live."

As much as he had told himself that Radek would never do such a thing, Rodney felt something ease in his heart at Radek's words. "That's… that's good to hear," he said.

"I know I said things to make you believe that I might…" Radek lowered his eyes again. "I said those things to hurt you… to frighten you… and I am more sorry for those things that I am for anything else."

"It's okay," Rodney assured him. "Just… just don't be sorry any more, okay? As long as you didn't really mean it…" He meant to say more, but was interrupted by a sudden wave of dizziness, and Rodney had a feeling that it was from more than just his long cry.

"Rodney?" Radek's voice was laced with concern now, and Rodney suspected that he'd probably just gone rather pale as well. "You… you have not eaten today either, have you?"

Letting more of his weight fall on Radek, Rodney shook his head, carefully, hiding his chagrinned expression in Radek's shoulder.

"This is no good." Radek said, and Rodney recognized a tone in Radek's voice that he had not heard in a long time. It was the 'someone needs to be a grownup now and I guess that's me' tone –one he'd never imagine that he'd miss so much. "You must eat now, before you will be seriously ill. Come…" and he rose, pulling Rodney up with him.

"Only if you eat too," Rodney replied, letting his own tone become petulant, wondering at how suddenly they had switched roles.

Radek sighed, smiling reluctantly. "I suppose that is only fair," he admitted, leading Rodney to the dinning table.

The spaghetti had long gone cold, but a minute in the microwave fixed that and shortly both of them were sitting and eating the dinner they should have eaten hours ago. Resolved though they were, neither one of them were really all that hungry, but they prodded one another along with silent looks, until both their plates were empty.

"Come to bed with me?" Radek asked when they'd left their rinsed plates by the sink.

"Yeah," said Rodney, letting Radek pull him into his arms. "That sounds good."

"I do love you, very much," Radek said as he drew Rodney into the bedroom and kissed him, gently at first and then rather more passionately. Rodney answered him with something almost like desperation as they fell back onto the bed, feeling how close he had come to despair now that those clouds were parting at last.

They made love that night, gently, tentatively, and a little sadly, for the first time since they had left Atlantis. They both missed her presence as they pleasured one another, but they took strength from the pleasure they gave and took, and from the knowledge that life did go on, that they were neither one of them alone, and that she would have wanted this for them, above anything else.

Rodney sent Carson an email, before he went to sleep that night, that he and Radek would be wanting some time alone tomorrow, but that things were okay now, that they'd gotten better and would get better still.

And this time he really meant it.

~*~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And here are the translations for Radek's Czech:
> 
> Všechno je v pořádku. = Everything is all right.
> 
> Všechno bude v pořádku. = Everything will be okay.
> 
> Vždyť to není tak strašné. = See, it is not so terrible.
> 
> Uvidíš, všechno bude dobré, všechno dobře dopadne. = You willl see, everything will be fine, it will end well.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Our heroes forge bravely ahead.

There were still bad days, of course, but Radek remembered now that Rodney suffered them too, and he managed to at least keep his temper in check, or if he didn't, always apologized soon afterwards. There were definitely more good days now, too, and they got better as well. Radek finally took to following Carson's advice in keeping a routine, where he rose at a certain hour every day, took walks with Rodney at least 3 times a week, and played chess with Sheppard on Tuesdays and Thursdays, even on days when he wasn't feeling so great.

As the number of 'Weather Channel days' grew fewer, Radek began to seek other, more productive ways to fill his time. He contributed, in small ways, to the projects that Rodney was supervising by email at the SGC, and began compiling a list of the research projects they'd worked on while on Atlantis that might be recast so as to be suitable for public release on Earth. He also convinced Rodney to let him cook some of their meals, as Rodney was strictly an 'out of the box or jar' cook.

Radek's repertoire wasn't all that extensive, but at least he cooked from scratch, which Carson and Elizabeth and Sheppard appreciated when they came over to share meals, even if Rodney didn't. His cooking had meant that Radek had needed to go out shopping with Rodney too, because he was pretty sure that Rodney would never know to buy only the Hungarian paprika, and that he'd never bought fresh onions or cabbage in his life.

Radek had learned to make a tolerably good borsht back in his student days, because you could make it from a wide variety of really cheap ingredients, and because you could make a really big pot of it and let it sit on the back burner and eat off it for days. Sometimes you could even afford to feed some to your friends. Since money was no object these days, Radek even put meat in it, and fed all his friends, Sheppard, Carson and Elizabeth, who expressed their most enthusiastic approval. Even Rodney, who had watched the ingredients going in with a somewhat jaundiced eye, found it to his liking, and told Radek that he could make it again, any time he liked.

When he had gone his first full week without one 'Weather Channel day', Radek began to suggest that Rodney return to work, at least part time. Rodney was reluctant at first, but after a series of small disasters at the lab that Rodney was nominally in charge of, which he knew could have been avoided had he been there in person, Rodney began to seriously consider the possibility. He eventually made arrangements with Carson and Elizabeth, who had more flexible schedules, to have them look in on Radek while he was away, and began working half days at the SGC, four days a week.

Radek had a project or two of his own going by then, and it quickly became apparent that he needed no supervision most days. In fact, he'd finally had to complain to Rodney that, while he was grateful for his friends' concern, he was beginning to find the interruptions in his work annoying. In the end it was agreed that he would always know who was available to come, if he needed company, and that he would call if he needed it. He did call a few times, and once asked for Rodney to come home early. That was a bad day for Radek, but it gave Rodney some peace of mind to know that Radek could be left on his own, because he would call if he needed help.

It was not long after this, that Radek began to consider going to work at the SGC himself. Rodney was heartened beyond words to hear Radek suggest it, but carefully did not push, letting Radek set his own pace. After some long negotiations with the SGC, it was decided that Radek would work with Rodney's projects for a month, at part time hours and then, if things were going well, would be given a project of his own. Radek agreed that this was probably a wise course of action, and soon found himself a niche in Rodney's lab.

Having Radek working with him was a joy Rodney had longed for for some time and he took pains, at home, to let Radek know just how happy he was. Radek seemed to be happy too, most days, though there was still a slightly melancholy light in his eyes, even in his best moments. It was possible, Rodney reflected sadly, that this might be a permanent fixture in his lover now, and the thought made Rodney's heart ache just a little. He'd known there would be scars, of course, and knew that he should be grateful that Radek found any happiness at all in his new life. Still, Rodney knew that there was a place within himself where an unforgiving hatred of the heartless beings who had hurt his lover, and himself, so deeply still smoldered, and he wondered if that might be a permanent fixture in him now, too.

Having a purpose in life and working together on their various projects at the SGC labs was a wonderfully healing thing for both Rodney and Radek, and their lives began to settle down into a regular, comfortable rhythm. This didn't mean that Radek was free of bad days, however. It had been understood, when he'd agreed to come back to work, that he would probably be taking a lot of 'sick leave' days–Rodney too, and he did take them. Sometimes Radek would just tell Rodney that he wanted to work at home that day, and maybe Carson or Elizabeth, or Sheppard if he was available, would stop by and keep him company, if he needed it. Sometimes, though, Radek would wake too early in the morning, troubled and sorrowful, and then Rodney would stay home too, and they'd sit on the sofa in their robes and underwear and watch the Weather Channel together.

Rodney had learned that if he was feeling alone, then Radek was too, and that loneliness was the worst part of what plagued them both. It was a subtle thing to grasp, because they were both solitary creatures by nature, and had become accustomed to working 'alone' together. For so much of his life Rodney had enjoyed his solitude and never felt his loneliness… until Radek had come along. Radek's arrival in his life had forced him to see what he was lacking, and how it was hurting him, though he had never recognized it. Rodney knew now that he would never know such 'blissful' ignorance again.

Now, the prospect of facing such loneliness again filled Rodney with unspeakable dread. Letting love into his life had meant that he would have something new to fear, more terribly than almost anything else. It had, however, also given him a strength he had never imagined he might posses, and Rodney knew he'd never have endured his current exile so well without it. In all of the crises he and Radek had weathered before, none had brought them so close as this one. It had changed them both, and their relationship, and though life on Atlantis had made each of them stronger individuals, leaving her had made them stronger together-more than either one of them ever would have guessed.

Therefore, when the team working with the puddle jumper from Area 51 asked to bring it back to Cheyenne Mountain briefly, to have some of the Atlantis veterans look at a few things, Rodney asked Radek if he wanted to have a look at it too. He knew that, though they hadn't said so, it was Radek they were hoping to get, as his comprehensive grasp of the puddle jumpers systems was unrivaled. Rodney was willing to ask, but if Radek said no, then that would be that. He trusted Radek to know what he could face and what he couldn't.

Rodney could see how torn Radek was when he did ask, however. Radek had loved working with the jumpers, he knew. To Radek they were like the best puzzle toy in the world and he'd delighted in wresting their secrets from them with all the joy in his engineer's heart. Still, Rodney could see in Radek's eyes how working with them again would remind him too much of what he'd lost. In the last year or so Radek and Atlantis had often worked on the jumpers together, with the city providing him with schematics and answering his questions as he had worked. Rodney had almost envied him at those times–having such a wealth of information so directly at his call. Now, however, working on a jumper without that informative and companionable presence in his mind might be more than a little painful for him.

In the end, it was the curious engineer in Radek that won out, and while Rodney was overjoyed to see that this vital part of his lover still thrived, he also worried that Radek might be pushing himself a little hard. Still, he had vowed to trust Radek to make these calls for himself, and if it proved to be too much then Rodney would be there for him, no matter what.

Seeing the jumper descend gracefully through the open roof of the large vehicle lab, Rodney himself felt a bit of a pang. The form of a puddle jumper was utilitarian, neither aerodynamic nor artful, but to those with the knowledge that Rodney and Radek possessed, they were beautiful, in every way that mattered. Rodney found himself swallowing hard at the sight, and beside him he saw Radek close his eyes for a moment, bowing his head.

"You sure you want to be here?" Rodney asked, squeezing his shoulder briefly.

"Yes," Radek said, determination in his voice despite the sorrowful longing in his eyes. "I want this. This… it was to be my life's work, Rodney. I will not let them take this from me as well."

"Okay, then," Rodney said with quiet pride, and together they stepped forward to make their re-acquaintance with this old friend.

Though the reunion had been bitter-sweet, working on the jumper was nothing but a pure joy, and Rodney could see that even Radek seemed to be forgetting his sorrows as he pulled open various panels and maintenance hatches and explained what he had learned about each to the eager puddle jumper research team. When it came time to break for lunch, Radek ate enthusiastically, if hurriedly, interjecting useful insights between bites of food (unlike Rodney, who could not be bothered to wait till he was done chewing to comment).

They returned to the jumper bay after lunch to address the team's more specific questions and trouble-shoot the difficulties they were having in their various reverse engineering projects. Watching them, Rodney could see the gratitude and admiration in the faces of the members of the puddle jumper team, as Radek brilliantly solved one problem after another. He watched Radek too, and noticed, with some anxiety, how the sorrowful shadows began to slowly return to Radek's eyes as the day went on. Radek, he had a feeling, would not know when to quit, especially when he was being so helpful. It would be up to Rodney, then, to somehow ease him away.

A little after five o'clock, when about half of the team went to get dinner while the other half immersed themselves in some involved disassembly project, Rodney found an opportunity to take Radek aside and suggest calling it a day.

"There is still so much to do here," Radek said when Rodney suggested dinner, "and I am not really hungry. I had a big lunch."

"About five hours ago," Rodney retorted gently, "and you've been working your ass off the whole time since. I'm thinking that there's another reason you're not hungry, hm?"

Radek lowered his eyes and gave a little sigh. "It is… hard, not to remember," he admitted. "But to stop now… I do not wish to give in yet. So much work remains… and they need me…"

"Radek, they're going to need you for the next twenty years, if not more," Rodney reassured his lover. "And the jumper's not going anywhere. It's ours to keep." He laid a hand on Radek's shoulder, squeezing it gently. "But you need to take it easy still. Today was a big deal, but if you overdo it we'll both be sorry. The decision is still yours, Radek; I promised to trust you, and I do. I'm just want you to remember to check in with yourself, okay?"

"Ano," Radek said with a sigh. "You are probably right." He looked up then, meeting Rodney's gaze directly, hiding nothing. "Thank you, miláčku."

Rodney shrugged. "Well, you know," he said, trying to keep his tone light. "Your bad days are my bad days too. Just trying to make life easier for all of us."

They went home then and Radek made an honest effort with dinner, though he still didn't eat much. He went to bed early, and Rodney followed him soon after, pulling his lover in close as he did, marveling at the strength and fragility of the man in his arms.

~*~


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bad days still happen.

Rodney was wakened, blinking to fuzzy awareness in the faint, gray light of predawn, by a quiet sound. Radek had moved away from him sometime during the night, but even so, his muffled sobs were enough to disturb Rodney's sleep.

"Radek?" Rodney rasped, his voice still rusty with sleep. "Hey…"

At first Radek responded only by curling into a tighter ball, shrinking away from Rodney, but Rodney knew that the reaction was instinctive, and not personal. He reached out to lay a gentle hand on Radek's shaking shoulders and pulled himself closer, waiting for Radek to give some sign that he was truly aware of Rodney's presence. After a few moments he felt Radek's body relax just a little, and then Rodney tugged gently on his shoulder, beginning to roll Radek towards him.

As he hoped, Radek followed his prompt, rolling the rest of the way on his own so that he was shortly curled close to Rodney, his face buried against Rodney's shoulder and his hands clutching at Rodney's T-shirt as he wept. Arms closing about his lover's body, Rodney slowly rubbed his back, murmuring soft comforts in a counterpoint to Radek's broken weeping. They lay together like this until the rising sun painted Rodney's bedroom with pink and golden colored light and then moved on, making the shadows shorten and leaving the dull, ordinary colors of the room in its wake.

There was a lull in Radek's tears then, though Rodney knew he was far from done with them, and Radek made the effort to speak.

"Rodney…" he managed first, his voice muffled in Rodney's shoulder.

"Shh," Rodney answered, pressing his lips gently to Radek's temple. "I'm right here. Not going anywhere."

"…Sorry…" Radek choked out next, his hands clutching desperately at Rodney's shirt once more.

"S'okay," Rodney said. "I had a feeling we might get something like this, after yesterday."

Radek gave a long sniffle, loosening his death-grip on Rodney's shirt. "I shouldn't… should never…"

"No, no," Rodney contradicted him gently. "Yesterday was good, and you were so brave… We both needed to face some things, and working on the jumper, that was great." Rodney reached up to smooth some of the hair away from Radek's face. "It's just… there's going to be a price to pay for a little while, but it'll be less every time, I promise."

"I am tired of being brave." Radek's voice sounded defeated, but Rodney knew better, and bent to kiss him once again.

"You don't have to be brave today, okay?" Rodney assured him. "We can stay in bed all day, if you want. I, ah, just… well I need to get up and get something to eat here in a minute… and some coffee, if that's okay?"

Radek nodded. "Go," he said with a sigh. "Go and eat. You will need your strength today."

"Do you think you could eat something? Rodney asked as he rose from the bed. "I could get you a granola bar, or some toast, maybe? And coffee?"

Rodney saw Radek start to frown, wanting to refuse, but then reconsidered. It was clearly a struggle, and Rodney was moved beyond words to see it.

"I suppose I could manage some toast," Radek said at last. "And some coffee, of course, since you are making it."

Rodney smiled at this. "Anything on your toast?" he asked further. "We've got some marmalade, and I think there's still some Nutella, if you want."

The suggestion drew a weak smile from Radek. "I do not know," he said, "if you could call toast with Nutella a good breakfast."

"Will you eat it?" Rodney asked.

"Probably," admitted Radek.

"Then it's a good breakfast," Rodney declared. "Anyway, it's got all the important food groups, right? Carbs, fat, protein, sugar, a little fiber -'cause it's whole-wheat toast, and chocolate. What more do you need?"

There was, of course, no answer to this, so Rodney headed to the kitchen, taking a moment to call the SGC and let them know that he and Radek wouldn't be coming in to work that day, and then returned shortly with their respective breakfasts and coffee. Rodney's couple of granola bars and Radek's toast with Nutella were consumed quickly enough–without getting too many crumbs in the bed. When they finished, they sat quietly together for a spell, drinking their coffee, each lost in his own thoughts. When Rodney's coffee was gone, he turned to Radek to ask him if he thought he might want to get up now, but Radek only shook his head, and when he did Rodney saw that there were fresh tears on his face again.

"Aw, Radek…" Rodney said sadly, pulling his lover in to lean against him. "It's okay…" he murmured softly. "Shh… it's okay."

Radek only wept quietly for a long while as Rodney held him close, occasionally handing Radek a kleenex when he reached for one.

"Is not okay…" he sobbed unhappily at one point, punctuating the statement by blowing his nose. "Is _not_ okay; _I_ am not okay and I am never going to be okay again. Not really."

"Hey," replied Rodney, admonishing ever so slightly. "It's been getting better, hasn't it? I mean, you haven't had a bad day like this in weeks. And you're going to go on getting better, as long as you don't give up."

Radek looked up at the worried tone in Rodney's voice. "I am not giving up, I promise," he said, sniffling back his sobs. "And I know it's been getting better but…" a fresh wave of tears interrupted him for a moment.

"I will never again be as I was, Rodney. I'm broken," he sobbed at last. "I'm broken and I'll never be fixed–not really."

Rodney felt his own heart breaking at Radek's words and he struggled for a moment to hold back his own tears, as well.

"And do you think I'll love you any less if you are?" Rodney managed at last, hugging Radek as close and tight as he could. "I hate the fact that you were hurt… that you're still hurting, but it doesn't change who you are, Radek. It can't."

"But I'm not… I'm not… whole anymore," Radek wept. "There is a horrible empty place inside me where she used to be, and it only hurts now, even though there is nothing there. It… it's like what they say sometimes happens when a person loses an arm or leg," Radek explained unsteadily. "And they still feel pain in places they no longer have. That is what it feels like here." Radek laid a hand over his heart. "And even when there is no pain, there is… something missing."

"So, if you _had_ lost an arm or leg," Rodney asked, "or your vision… would you really expect me to feel differently about you because of it?"

"I… " Radek stilled his sobs, but spoke so quietly now that Rodney could barely hear him. "I only wonder if the day may not come that you will find me more of a burden to you than I am worth."

Rodney felt his heart constrict as Radek spoke of his fears, and he drew back from Radek just a little way so that he could reach across and lift his chin, bringing his eyes to meet Rodney's.

"If you're asking me if my life will ever, _ever_ be better without you than with you," Rodney said, "then the answer is no." Radek's eyes were sad and still bright with tears, and looking into them Rodney could tell that Radek didn't really believe.

"Listen to me," he said, grip still firm on Radek's chin. "I don't do 'lonely' any more. I can't. You've ruined me for that." Rodney shook his head, feeling his voice go a little unsteady as he went on. "I don't care how 'broken' you are; you'll never be so broken that I'll be able to make it without you. Never. Do you understand?"

Rodney didn't know whether it was his words that did the trick or his harsh and frightened voice, but when he fell silent Radek's pale blue eyes were wide and washed with relief… and also tears again.

"Milujete," he said in a shaking voice as he threw his arms around Rodney, who responded in kind, pulling him close and holding him tight.

"I love you too," he said, "and I always will, no matter what."

Radek still had several hours of crying left in him, and Rodney simply held him and handed him kleenexes until it was time for lunch. He managed to coax Radek into eating some soup, and afterwards the tears did not return, but Radek still wasn't up to anything more than lying in bed with Rodney and occasionally dozing. They slept together for a few hours and then Radek woke, cranky and over-slept, but at least still free of tears.

Radek agreed to get up and let himself be distracted by the Weather Channel eventually, and Rodney watched it with him for a while, checking his email and working on his laptop as he did, until dinner time. They generally got food delivered from the Thai Palace on days such as this, because even on his worst days Radek couldn't resist their chicken coconut-milk soup, and so Rodney called for it at about seven-thirty. Radek tucked into his soup without complaint when it arrived, which was encouraging, and when he agreed that he might be up for a movie, Rodney surprised him with a newly remastered edition of René Laloux's "Fantastic Planet" which he'd been saving for a special occasion.

Rodney was pleased to see that Radek went to bed in a far better mood than he'd started the day with, but knew that it might be another day or two before he was ready for work. It was a Thursday, though, and so they had the weekend to relax and Radek was ready to return by Monday. The jumper and its team were gone by then, and neither of them asked about it, but Rodney knew that when they next returned, and they would at some point, that was for certain, they would both agree to face it again.

The next week passed without incident, but on Thursday Rodney told Radek that Friday was Elizabeth's birthday, and that they were all getting together, he and Carson and Sheppard, and Elizabeth, at an Italian place they all liked, to celebrate. Radek was invited too, Rodney let him know, but after the previous week's trouble, Rodney also let him know that they would understand if he wished to decline.

Radek thought about it hard, as he liked spending time with all of them, but in the end he decided that spending time with all of them at once, in such a public, crowded place, might be a bit much. He and Rodney selected a gift for Elizabeth together (a full package for a day spa which, as events unfolded, she was never actually to able to use) and on that Friday evening Rodney saw to it that Radek had dinner and something to occupy his time, bid him farewell, and told him not to wait up. Radek did wait up, of course, and it was a much longer wait than either of them would ever have anticipated.

~*~


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And we all know what happens next... though poor Radek doesn't.

Radek had been really torn about going to Elizabeth's birthday dinner, as he liked spending time with his friends, and would have very much liked to celebrate the occasion with them. Rodney was right, though, in reminding him not to push himself too hard. As much as he wished he was ready for this, Radek knew, in his heart of hearts, that he wasn't–especially not after last week.

There would be other birthdays, though, Radek knew, and plenty of other occasions in the future for him to get together with Carson and Sheppard and Elizabeth. They came to visit him at home, one or two at a time, often enough as well, Radek reflected, and they understood. He had no words, in any language, for the gratitude he felt for this 'family' he had gained in Atlantis, and knew he would never have managed so well, over the last couple of months, without all of them.

Radek knew he'd want to keep himself occupied this evening and so had brought home a few projects, and was happy to discover a Kevin Smith marathon on one of the movie channels, and so sat down to dinner (a whole roast chicken Rodney had brought home from the grocery store, with a bucket of coleslaw) with "Mall Rats". After he finished eating, Radek let "Chasing Amy", "Dogma" and "Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back" run in the background as he worked on his various projects, and this kept him occupied and distracted for the duration of the evening.

He shut his laptop down, at last, to watch "Clerks II", which he hadn't seen before, and when that ended it was after midnight, the marathon was concluded, and there was, he realized, no sign of Rodney. Well, they had no need to be up early tomorrow, Radek reasoned, and if his friends were having a good time, then they might easily stay out past midnight. Still, Radek found himself hoping that if they were going to be out past one that Rodney might at least give him a call.

Radek flipped around the channels until he found some wretched rubber-suit feature on the Scifi channel, which he could only watch about half of before he found himself turning to the Weather Channel. At three he finally gave in and gave Rodney's cell a call, in spite of how needy it made him feel. Three am was late enough that Rodney ought to have let him know where he was and when he planned on being home, he told himself, and it was not at all unreasonable that he might want to know. He found to his surprise, however, that Rodney's cell phone was unavailable.

This, and the fact that it was now much later that Rodney generally stayed out, told Radek that something had to be wrong, and this was only confirmed when Radek attempted calling Elizabeth, Sheppard and Carson and got the same result. Radek knew that he ought to have called the SGC at that point, but he couldn't quite bring himself to, and told himself, instead, that if the SGC knew anything that they were willing to tell him, _they_ would have called _him_ by now.

There was no chance of his sleeping now, so Radek curled up in an old blanket that customarily resided on the back of the sofa –so old that it still had a few hairs from Rodney's cat in it- and stared distractedly at the television. He might, he reflected later, have actually dozed a few times, because the time displayed on the TV seemed mostly to crawl by… and then occasionally leap forward. He kept his mind blank, holding his multitudinous speculations and worries at bay, until a little after 6 am, when the knock came on the door.

The very fact of a knock meant bad news, as Rodney wouldn't knock and all his friends had their own keys. Radek remained frozen on the sofa, not wanting to know, unable to bear not knowing any more. The knock came again, this time with a voice–Samantha Carter's voice.

"Dr Zelenka?" she called. "Radek? I need you to answer the door… please?"

There was no point, Radek resolved with a sigh, in keeping her out, and he rose stiffly from the sofa, to cross the room and open the door.

"Where are they?" he asked without preamble, having nerved himself up to facing her, he wanted to know the news now, be it good or (far more likely) bad.

"That's, um, a little complicated to explain…" she began unhappily, but at least there was not the dreaded 'I'm sorry but…' which heralded the very worst news.

"Are they on earth?" he demanded, wanting to at least narrow the possibilities down, since a straight answer was not forthcoming.

"No," she said with a sigh. "And Doctor, we need you to come in to the SGC right away. I promise I'll tell you everything en route."

This, Radek reflected unhappily, was hardly unexpected. "Will I be staying overnight?" he asked, moving into the bedroom to get an overnight bag already because he had a good idea of the answer.

"Probably," Colonel Carter answered, following him at a polite distance. She lingered in the hall as he bustled about the bedroom, hastily shoving extra shirts and underwear, along with extra flash drives and his biggest portable hard drive, into the bag. He was some time in the bathroom, gathering not only his toothbrush and shaving kit, but also the veritable pharmacy that he depended on these days. He sighed as he regarded the dozen or so pill bottles on the shelf of his medicine cabinet, grabbed then all and dropped them haphazardly into his bag.

He hesitated at the door of the apartment, looking around to make sure that nothing important was forgotten, that nothing dangerous was left on. It was possible, he considered, that he would never see the place again, and while he didn't think he would miss it exactly, it was the last place he had seen Rodney, and might be the last place he would ever see Rodney. He lingered briefly, recalling their last tender, parting kiss as Rodney left to go to dinner, then turned away, stepped though the doorway, closed it, and locked it behind him.

~*~

The Colonel explained the situation as the two of them sat in the back seat of the limo the SGC had sent for them. Riding in chauffeur driven limousines generally made Radek uncomfortable, for a whole host of reasons, but he was distracted enough this time that he hardly noticed, his whole attention focused on the narrative the Colonel was relaying to him. Hearing that Atlantis had been overcome by the Replicators filled him with a cold dread that sank deep into his soul. It froze him, so that everything else she told him (much of which he had guessed by then) fell on a hard, unyielding surface and did not penetrate.

He'd told Atlantis to hide herself as they'd parted, knowing that the Ancients were unaware of the full extent of her sentience, and that she might escape their efforts to 'clean up' Atlantis' information systems. The Replicators, however, would make no assumptions about the system they were taking over. They would, given enough time, sort through every line of code in Atlantis, and when they found her, they would exterminate her, just as surely as they would exterminate General O'Neill and Mr. Woolsey.

The thought made Radek feel as if his heart was full of ground glass, but it was frozen, just like the rest of him, and so didn't _quite_ hurt. There was, however, the sense that if it moved, even the tiniest bit, the pain would be unbearable. There was a hope, thanks to Rodney and Sheppard and the rest, albeit a faint one. When the all dust cleared, one of two things would have occurred. Either his friends, and his lover, would have succeeded, and he would have his city and his lovers back, or they would fail, he would lose Atlantis forever, and Rodney… and he would be left with nothing. He had already determined his course of action in case of this outcome, however, and so, in a frightening sort of way, it did not trouble him.

Rodney had probably thought that he'd hidden the bottle of sleeping pills from Radek, and he had made a reasonable effort in the beginning, moving their hiding place every week or so. More recently however, probably since Radek had made his promise, Rodney had simply left the pills in the same place, where Radek had collected them this morning, behind the plumbing access hatch under the bathtub. Radek suspected that this had become more a matter of plausible deniability for Rodney, and a tacit approval for Radek. It meant that Rodney trusted him, but was also aware of the precariousness of their situation, and Radek loved him for it.

The little bottle of oblivion rested in Radek's left pants pocket now, with his fist curled tightly around it. This was Radek's promise to himself, his escape hatch. It meant that he could listen to Samantha Carter describe an unspeakable nightmare and he could sit next to her, staring down at his knees in a cold calm, his mouth in a tight line. It meant he had autonomy; no matter what else happened, the last decision would be his.

At the SGC, a faceless airman took his bags to the room he had been assigned, and he let them go without a qualm. The only important thing resided in his pocket, and they would not have it from him until he knew the fate of his home and his friends. Colonel Carter led him to the conference room where the two of them met with General Landry alone, and he filled Radek in on a few of the details he had not gotten on the ride here. None of them were important to Radek, however. All that mattered was that an enemy had come to Atlantis and that Rodney and the others had gone to save her. The rest was only SGC bullshit. His friends and his lover would either come back victorious or they would not come back at all, and no one would know which it would be until it happened.

"Radek," Carter was gently nudging his elbow where it rested on the conference room table. Ah, yes, Landry had actually asked him a question.

"No," he said, looking up to meet the general's hard eyes. "I cannot think of anything else you could tell me. You have explained everything quite clearly."

"You aren't curious as to why we brought you here?" Landry asked with an attempt at geniality.

Radek shrugged. "You will tell me what you want from me when you want it," he said fatalistically.

The general frowned, as if he were disappointed that he could not convince Radek that this was a 'friendly chat' –as if he had forgotten where Radek had grown up. "Well naturally we thought you deserved to know what had happened to Dr. McKay and the others," he explained. As though the SGC had done him some sort of favor by even deigning to tell him, Radek frowned in reflection.

"And as you can imagine," Landry continued, "we generally prefer to do this kind of briefing in a high security setting." Radek nodded, letting his expression, his skeptical grimace and not quite rolled eyes say–in Rodney's voice somehow-'cut to the chase, please'.

"But, as it happens," Landry continued, not quite holding back a resigned sigh of exasperation, "there is something you can help us with, if you would be willing."

Radek had honestly not expected this request to be optional, and he inclined his head graciously in reply. "Yes?" he asked.

"The Daedalus is already in the Pegasus Galaxy, on her damage control mission, but it's still possible that we could send you through the intergalactic gate bridge to a world in Pegasus where they could stop and pick you up," Landry explained. "You don't need me to tell you how easy it isn't going to be to get a nuke past Atlantis' shields, and I'm pretty sure they can use all the help they can get… if you'd be willing to lend it."

A nuke? Radek blinked as he thought back to a moment earlier in the briefing to which he had been only half listening, recalling that, yes, they had said something about sending the Daedalus to Atlantis to try and destroy the city, thus eliminating its possible threat to Earth. This was, of course, typical military thinking, but would Radek help them do this? Absolutely not.

"No," he said, quietly but intractably as he shook his head. "No, I am afraid I cannot help you in this."

Landry frowned, but Radek could see that he was not surprised. "Well," he said with a sigh, "I had to ask, and since you won't be helping us, I'm going to have to ask that you stay here for the duration of the current crisis. I'm sure you understand."

"Samozřejmě," Radek muttered, shaking his head as he stood. "Very well," he said. "Then if you have no more use for me, may I please retire to my quarters now? I did not sleep very much last night."

"Certainly," said Landry, standing as well. "Colonel Carter, can you show the good doctor to his quarters?"

~*~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter's Czech:
> 
> Samozřejmě = of course, naturally


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alone in his room, Radek contends with despair.

Samantha asked him if he wanted to stop at the mess hall to get something to eat before settling in his room, but Radek only shook his head. How could she imagine that he would be able to eat now?

She took him to the room where his bags had been left and then lingered in the doorway, biting her lip uncomfortably. He could see how much she desperately wished to offer him some consolation, or to be of some help, but it was useless and Radek wished she would just go away.

"If there's anything you want," she finally managed, spreading her hands helplessly, "anything at all, just let me know, okay?"

"There is only one thing I want," Radek stated flatly, "and it is nothing anyone here, or anywhere else, for that matter, can get. I would just like to be alone now, please."

"Okay," she said with a sad little sigh, and then paused before departing. "You know they would have taken you with them, if they could have, Radek," she offered. "There just wasn't time…"

Radek tried ignoring her, sitting on the edge of the bed to remove his shoes, but she remained, possibly expecting that he might want to talk. It was the last thing he wanted. "It doesn't matter," he said, trying not to say it through clenched teeth. "Colonel Carter, I am very tired."

"Sure," she said softly, clearly not believing him, but understanding at last that she had been dismissed. She hesitated once again before she left however, looking back at him with a worried expression, but Radek simply set his glasses on the nightstand and lay down on the bed, curling up on top of the covers with his back to her.

"Alright," she said finally and turned to go, closing the door softly behind her. Radek pressed his face into the pillow beneath him and curled tighter, grasping tightly to the pill bottle in his pocket. All he had to do was keep from feeling until it was over, until he knew, and then he could let himself open to relief and joy, or he could end all his feeling and all his pain for good. All he had to do was wait here, eyes closed, and think of nothing but the scratchy feel of the bedspread on his face, the musty, industrial laundry smell of the pillow. Holding to nothing but the hopeless comforts of the little plastic cylinder he clutched desperately in his left fist, Radek lay curled on the bed and willed the very hours to pass.

He was jarred out of his reverie only a little while later when the colonel came knocking on his door. He knew it was much to soon for them to have learned anything, but he felt a burst of terrified anticipation anyway, raising himself half off the bed to call, "What?!"

"Sorry," said Samantha a little sheepishly as she entered. "I know you said that you weren't hungry, but I figured that since you hadn't had any breakfast, you might want to have something here, in case you got hungry later…?"

Looking back over his shoulder blurrily, Radek caught a glimpse of what was probably a tray with a bottle of juice and a couple of sandwiches on it. He wanted nothing to do with it. "Leave it and get out," he snapped. "And do not come back until you have some news to tell me." It wasn't kind, but he was not feeling at all obliged to be kind.

"Alright… okay…" she said sadly and Radek knew that he'd hurt her feelings, but he didn't care. "I'll just… okay, sorry," she mumbled and slipped out, closing the door behind her again.

Radek shut his eyes tight against the dull, scratchy, military bedspread and tried to get his racing heart to calm. It would be hours, maybe days before they knew anything, and he just needed everyone to leave him alone till then. Couldn't they understand that? He sighed and willed his body to relax on the bed. They might actually believe that he was sleeping for the next eight hours or so… maybe he would, even.

Radek knew that this was fairly unlikely, though, even as the thought crossed his mind. Instead he found himself listening to the coming and going of the air conditioning in his room -roaring softly for ten minutes or so, and then falling silent for a longer spell- half an hour, perhaps, before firing up once again. Though he dared not look at a clock, and could not focus enough to track how many of these periods had passed, it served as a way to mark the passage of time. It was important to know that time was passing, because the passage of time brought the conclusion of this misery, one way or another, closer.

Radek felt balanced on a knife's edge, between unwarranted hope and unbearable despair. Capitulating to either one would spell disaster, and to feel or think about anything would send him inevitably into the arms of one or the other. Radek would not have it. He would not give in to either, but every second he held them at bay was a struggle. Even his customary mental refuges–visualizing the schematics of the puddle jumper's drive system or the energy equations behind a naquadah generator, were fraught with emotional baggage. Even recalling the minimalist music that had always soothed him in the past now called up unwanted memories. Radek had no refuge, no distractions, and little by little, his tenuous grasp on emotional neutrality began to slip.

Hope was too easy to dismiss, but despair beckoned like a siren, compelling and intractable. With every passing second it seemed less and less likely that he would ever see or speak to his lover again. He and the others –his only true friends- would meet the Replicators, fight them and be defeated; that seemed inevitable. The Daedalus would arrive at Atlantis in a few hours. Landry had told him this during the briefing, and when she did she would bear witness to what had happened. That would be when he would know for sure.

Whether or not she succeeded in her mission at that point was of no matter to Radek. Atlantis was lost in either case. The Daedalus herself might be lost as well, if they really meant to try and destroy the city, but she would not go without sending a message, of that Radek had no doubt.

Helplessly, he found himself wondering what that message would be. Would the Replicators boast of their victory against the tiny strike force? Would they send images of their interrogation, of the bodies, or just an image of the jumper being blown out of the sky? Or, would the Daedalus find nothing, no sign that Rodney, Sheppard and the others had even been there, with no communication from the Replicators confirming or denying anything? Radek could not think which eventuality would be more horrible, but it seemed increasingly that one or the other of them must inevitably come to pass.

If this was the case then, a sweetly tempting voice spoke within him, why wait any longer? Why endure another minute of this agony with only a soul destroying grief waiting at the end, when the means to put a stop to all of this suffering lay clutched tightly in his fist? Did he really want to wait to see the bodies? Did he really want his last sight of his lover to be of the man screaming in agony as he endured a Replicator interrogation? Did he really want to see the awful pity on Samantha Carter's face as she came to deliver the news? He could avoid all of that, and wouldn't that be better?

Slowly, almost reluctantly, Radek drew the bottle out of his pocket and held them before his eyes. There were perhaps twenty pills there, which would certainly do the trick, though swallowing them all would be a bit of a chore. Radek had always hated swallowing pills. Fortunately, Colonel Carter had left him a bottle of juice to wash them down with, which would be a little nicer than the chlorine flavored tap water he would get from the bathroom sink. Radek swallowed in dreadful anticipation. Was he really going to do this?

Imagined images of his friends' lifeless bodies, of Samantha's sad and pitying eyes, urged his capitulation, and Radek found himself pushing himself up, to sit on the bed, looking toward the tray where she had left his food and drink. Radek's imagination (a powerful tool on its own, on better days) was not finished with him yet, however. Suddenly, Samantha's sorrowful expression was not directed at him, but at Rodney, telling him that Radek had succumbed to despair and taken his own life. Suddenly, as horrible as the imagined image of Rodney's lifeless corpse had been, the devastated expression on Rodney's face when he learned that Radek was dead, was far, far more horrible.

"Ne, ne…" Radek heard himself choke out, and then he was shoving the pill bottle back into his pocket, pushing it down deep and drawing his hand out to wrap both his arms around himself. Body shaking, heart racing in terror at what he had almost done, Radek collapsed back onto the bed, curling himself into a tight ball, rocking slightly in his misery. He could not do this, he repeated to himself, eyes shut, mouth open and panting softly–could not, could not, could not. He had promised Rodney, and Rodney had trusted him. He would not betray that trust–could not. Not now. Especially not now.

Eventually the sense of panic faded, leaving Radek drained and aching. Everything hurt. Despair hurt, hope hurt; there was nothing that he could imagine or think that did not hurt. It even hurt too much to cry, though tears might have been a relief at that point. His exhaustion hurt as well, but that, at least, came with its own remedy. He had no hope of sleep, but sleep took him anyway –his body's gift of temporary oblivion for his troubled mind. It stole over him without any awareness that it was coming, and if there were dreams, he mercifully retained no memory of them.

~*~


	8. II. Home by the Shore

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> New comes at last: good news!

**II: Home by the Shore**

_Formerly I had come to this pond adventurously, from time to time, in dark summer nights, with a companion… Through this, whistling a tune, we took our way to the haunts of men again. But now I had made my home by the shore._

**_~Henry David Thoreau: Walden_ **

Chapter 8

Radek slept so deeply that it took Colonel Carter knocking on his door for some time before he woke and, when he did, it took him a moment or two to recall where he was and why. The recollection of these things had his heart racing seconds later, and he pushed himself up from the bed abruptly. This had to be news -the news he was dreading- and his mouth was suddenly so dry that his attempt to call out to Colonel Carter and bid her enter came out as a sort of croak.

She came in anyway, either because she had heard him and understood, or because he had taken so long to answer that she feared something was wrong. He reached up with shaking hands to push hair out of his face as the door opened, and found enough moisture in him mouth to ask what needed to be asked, forcing the words out before he even saw her face clearly.

"You have news?" he asked, his voice rough with sleep and worry. Then his heart leaped, for even without his glasses, Radek could see the wideness of her smile, and how her eyes were bright with happiness.

"It's good news, Radek," she said, her own voice soft and joyful. "The best news."

His hands still shook so badly that he almost knocked his glasses off the night stand when he reached for them and, groping for them, he groped within himself as well for the tiny, disregarded fragment of hope there. Finding it, and feeling this faint spark flicker into life under Samantha's warm gaze, he stammered out a breathless question.

"Really?" he gasped, still fearful that this must be some sort of cruel dream.

"Really," she confirmed with an even wider smile. "They just dialed in a minute ago."

"Rodney…?" Radek managed next, unable to formulate anything more complex than single word questions.

"Waiting to talk to you over the comm in the gate room," she answered, grinning. "They've apparently got three fully charged ZPMs now, so they can dial us whenever they like, but since they'd still have to go via the unfinished gate bridge, or the Daedalus, to get back, they've elected to stay in Atlantis for now."

"Oh my god…" Radek pushed his hair back again with hands that still shook. They were in Atlantis. They had her back. He could go home again… "My shoes…" he muttered, unable to remember for a moment which side of the bed he'd left them on.

"Here," Samantha stooped to pick them up and then handed them to him, one at a time, her smile indulgent, but not patronizing. The room swayed a bit when he stood, and Samantha laid a gentle hand on his arm, supporting him. "You okay?" she asked.

"I am now, yes," he said, feeling surer of it by the second. "Or I will be, shortly. I… I just need to talk to him, that is all."

"Sure thing," Samantha said, still smiling. "So let's get you there. Are you ready?"

The trip from his quarters to the gate room passed in a blur, but everything sprang into sharp focus the moment he heard Rodney's distinctive voice over the comm. Someone had pulled a chair out for him so that Radek didn't simply sink down to the floor in relief when he heard it. He wasn't sure his own voice would work at all properly at first, but fortunately Rodney was so amped up on adrenaline and relief and joy that he rattled on for some minutes before Radek could have gotten a word in if he'd wanted to.

"We did it, Radek, we did it!" he crowed. "We totally out-foxed those bastards and Atlantis is ours again –all ours! And we blew up the control room! Did I tell you that? I mean, we completely destroyed it. Well, the Replicators fixed it all up again and really, it's pretty amazing because it's like new again, and it only took a few hours. They fixed up a lot of the city, in fact, them and the Ancients, though it's a little hard right now to tell who did what. But she's ours again and ohmygod Radek there are three, _three_ ZedPMs here! Can you believe it? Three –all charged up and everything…"

"How…?" Radek finally managed. "How were you able to defeat the Replicators?"

"We dusted 'em," Sheppard's voice drawled over the comm, sounding terrifically pleased with himself, and not without reason, Radek considered. "Literally. All at once. Is that cool or what?"

"And everyone…" Radek did not bother to answer Sheppard's rhetorical question. "Everyone is all right?"

"That we are, Doctor Zelenka," came Elizabeth's voice. "I'm still not quite sure how we managed it, but we did."

"Aye." Now he heard Carson speaking. "And we've got Ronon and Teyla with us too. We're all looking forward to seeing you here as soon as you can manage."

Radek could hear Teyla's earnest assent in the background, even as Rodney was affirming Carson's sentiments… with a caveat.

"Actually," he said, "as much as I'd like you here right now, and as much as I know you'd like to be, I'm going to ask you to wait just a little. I need to stay in Atlantis -getting all the seat heights and mirrors adjusted back to where we like them and so forth, so to speak- but in the meantime I desperately need you to be my eyes and ears back on Earth for a few days."

"What do you need?" Radek asked briskly, not in the least troubled to be staying back for a few days. As long as he knew that Rodney was well, and that Atlantis was in their possession again, he could wait a little.

"We need to call back as much of our staff as we can," Rodney said, "as soon as we can. You're the only one I trust to do it right and you're the only one most of them will trust not to bullshit them. You spend the next three days making calls and then you come right back here, on the first jumper, no matter who has or hasn't agreed to return."

"This I can do," said Radek with a smile, feeling his world begin to settle slowly, ever so slowly, back into place.

"You're coming home, Radek," Rodney said softly. "You're really going to get to come home and I'm going to miss you every second until you do."

"Dĕkuju, miláčku," Radek answered, which was as much as he felt comfortable in saying here in front of everyone, even in Czech, which Rodney still had only the most cursory understanding of. He wanted, of course, to hold Rodney in his arms and kiss him within an inch of his life, but knowing that he would be able to do this in only a few days sustained him. In only three days time he would be reunited with both his lovers, and the thought left him dizzy with joy and anticipation.

Landry had a few more words with Sheppard and General O'Neill after that, crossing a few 't's and dotting the last 'i' or two, and then they signed off and stargate shut down. The silence that reigned over the gate room for a few moments afterward was still a little astonished, but then Landry instructed Sgt. Harriman to compile a list of the various ex-Atlantis science personnel and their contact information for Radek to get to work on, and Samantha let him know that it would be brought down to his room in a few minutes. Radek nodded and said that he would head back now, and maybe avail himself of the food that Colonel Cater had left there hours ago.

That had honestly been Radek's intention, but when he got to his room he found that the initial shock of hearing the news was wearing off, and the full impact of what it all meant was finally coming home to him. Too lost in a welter of emotions to even look at the food waiting on the table for him, Radek sat heavily on the edge of his bed again, and as he did, the bottle of sleeping pills in his pocket rattled ever so slightly.

The enormity and horror of what he had almost done fell on him then, like a ton of bricks, and Radek found himself bolting off the bed and into the bathroom, yanking the pills out of his pocket to open the bottle and empty the contents into the toilet with shaking hands. The contents of his stomach, had there been any, would have followed shortly after, but instead he only stood, bracing himself over the toilet and retching miserably for a few moments until the urge had passed.

Taking up a wad of toilet paper to wipe his sweating face and his mouth, Radek chucked this into the bowl after the pills and then flushed twice, making sure everything was gone. He almost hurled the plastic pill bottle on the floor to crush it to pieces under his foot, but restrained himself and only dropped it in the bathroom trash, then staggered back to sit on the bed, dropping his head into his hands. This was how Samantha found him a few minutes later when she came to his room with the contact list from Sgt. Harriman.

"Radek?" she asked cautiously, poking her head in when he did not answer, then said "Hey…" kindly as she entered, sitting beside him on the bed to place a tentative hand on his back. "You okay?"

Radek didn't quite know how to answer this, because yes, really, but no, not at the moment. Instead he leaned into her gratefully, and then found himself wrapping arms around her and holding her tight, just because he very much needed something –someone- to hold onto then, just for a little bit. She seemed to understand, pulling him gently into her embrace and murmuring soft comforts.

"Hey, it's okay," she said. "They made it; they're okay, and you're going home again, Radek. You're going home."

He held her, and let her hold him, till the shaking passed, until he was fairly certain he wasn't going to cry anymore, then drew back, sniffled a little and reached over for a kleenex to wipe the fog –not tears- from his glasses.

"Thank you," he said, voice still a little rough. "The full impact of everything… I suppose it had not really hit me…"

"Believe me, I do understand," Samantha said, patting him kindly on the back as she stood. "Big stuff like this… it takes a while to really come home, and when it finally does, it can hit hard."

"I do not think I will really believe it till I am there again," Radek said, settling his glasses back on his nose. "But hearing Rodney's voice…" He shook his head. "I confess, I had not thought to hear it ever again."

"There's no shame in losing hope occasionally," Samantha said, "especially when things get bad the way they sometimes do in this business, as long as there's at least one person in your team that hasn't given up. That's what your team is for, so no one has to be strong all the time, and you take turns carrying the hope."

Radek nodded. "I have said as much to Rodney recently," he said with a chagrined smile. "But always it is easier to give advice than it is to accept it. And I believe the best advice for me to take now would be to take some nourishment. I'm quite certain that this will improve my outlook as well."

"Definitely," Samantha said, sitting down across the table from him as sat himself and began unwrapping the sandwiches on his tray. They discussed the names and contact information on the list Harriman had complied as he ate, and then she left him to begin making his calls.

~*~


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Homeward bound!

Although anticipation of his reunion might have made the next three days crawl by, Radek found the time flying, in part because he was so very busy, and in part because the job he had, of contacting all the exiled Atlantis scientists, was such joyful work. If anything was bound to drive home the astonishing reality of their new circumstances, it was repeating this news again and again to his friends and colleagues, none of whom were inclined to believe him at first, but all of whom were overjoyed to hear it.

Rodney had been right, though. The fact that it was him calling did much to convince the scientists he spoke to, for he had come, over the years, to possess a reputation for reliability and for being almost entirely apolitical –a rare thing in their field. The overwhelming majority of those he called spoke of making immediate arrangements to leave their new positions and return to the SGC as soon as possible, and those still working within the SGC were almost all ready to drop everything and come the minute he called.

Thus it was that, as Radek stood beside the SGC's one puddle jumper, bulging pack at his feet and surrounded by boxes of supplies destined for Atlantis, he was accompanied by Dr. Denise Simpson, Dr. Enid Patel, and Technical Sgt. Chuck Fields. Major Lorne was there as well –serving as the jumper's pilot- along with Lts. Stackhouse and Miller, and that made a full jumper for their first trip to Atlantis.

It was hardly unexpected that Simpson, Fields and Lorne were there with him, as they had all either been working here at Cheyenne Mountain or over at Area 51, but Radek was a little amazed at how Dr. Patel had managed to put her affairs in order and get herself here all the way from Varanasi, India, in only two days.

"I was not having an easy time finding a position to my liking in India," Dr. Patel explained when Radek asked her, "and so I did not have a job to leave, but also… my mother has been trying to find me a husband, and the sooner I could leave, the better."

Radek tried to hide his smile by scratching his upper lip, but Dr. Patel grinned widely and so Radek relaxed.

"She has three grandchildren already, from my brother," Dr. Patel explained indignantly, "so she should be content, but she insists that it is *my* happiness she is concerned about, foolish woman. I truly considered telling her that I was betrothed already to an ancient, alien city in another galaxy, but then she would only try to have me locked up, I am afraid."

Now Radek laughed out loud, enjoying how pleasant it felt to let the happiness bubble up out of him, unimpeded and uncomplicated. "I do not think that there is one of us who has not been so tempted," he smiled merrily, "and who would not face such consequences if we did. I wonder how many would have finally succumbed to the temptation, in spite of this, if we had never been allowed to go back?"

"A lot more than the SGC or the IOA would have been happy about," Dr. Simpson chimed in. "That's for sure."

Radek reflected on the likely truth of this as they loaded up and then boarded the jumper, wondering if the SGC and IOA had regarded the mass of exiled Atlantis scientists as the ticking time bombs that they had likely been. It was surely a fortunate thing for everyone, and not just himself and his immediate friends, that Rodney and Sheppard and the others had succeeded, and he wondered if the powers that be knew just how much they owed them all.

Radek had never traveled through the Intergalactic Gate Bridge, though he had gone over Rodney's numbers for some parts of the macro he had written. Reviewing those numbers in his mind as the jumper sped away through the first gate was reassuring and helped pass the time, and soon enough they were at midway. Radek could not resist the temptation to make his way to the forward compartment, through the stacks of gear they'd bought, to look out the window.

It was Pegasus that they were facing, and so it was the glittering, spiral spectacle of that galaxy that he could see spread across space outside the jumper's window. Radek knew the numbers, and knew how far away it must be if they could see it in this manner, laid out so perfectly before his eyes. Still, he felt his heart moved at the sight and found himself swallowing hard. Home, he could not help but think as he gazed out the window at their destination. This is where my true home is now, and nowhere else will ever be home to me again.

Stackhouse dialed up the gate for the next transit now, but they called ahead as soon as the wormhole was established, double checking the connection and confirming their arrival. It was Dr. Weir who answered their call, and the welcome in her voice was heard by everyone in the jumper. It has become home for all of us, Radek realized looking around at the happy, anticipatory smiles of all the jumper's passengers. Earth, the world of our birth, is home to us no longer.

It was this enormous truth that made Radek's heart seem too large for his chest as the jumper exited the final gate and Atlantis' gate room appeared, at last, in the front window.

"Damn," said Lorne, his voice surprisingly full of feeling. "Never thought I'd be seeing this place again… Never knew I'd be so happy to see it either."

Now the back of the jumper was filled with happy murmuring as everyone gathered their packs and the jumper ascended into the bay. By some unspoken agreement, the others held back so that Radek could be the first to leave the jumper as the rear hatch opened. They were all there waiting in the bay, Rodney, Elizabeth, Sheppard, Carson, Teyla and Ronon, and they were all grinning like idiots, even Ronon, which was a sight to see.

Radek had eyes only for Rodney, though, and Rodney's were on him the moment the hatch was down. He strode forward as Radek stumbled down it, and they met at the bottom, almost colliding with the force of their attraction. Then Rodney's arms were around him and his around Rodney's and they held each other tight –so tight- a promise that nothing and no one would ever tear them apart again.

Even in such a hard embrace they both shook, and Rodney murmured, "Sorry, so sorry I left you; didn't want to; didn't mean to, but I couldn't… there wasn't any way…"

And Radek murmured back, "It doesn't matter; it doesn't; it doesn't. All that matters is that you are here now; I am here. That's all; that's all that matters."

No force in all of the cosmos could have kept them from kissing then, though it would eventually occur to Radek how astonishing it was that Rodney would let himself be seen kissing anyone in front of so many other eyes. There was no stopping their lips from meeting, though; no stopping their tongues from finding one another, their mouths from drinking deep from the other. When they finally drew back, however, Radek saw that many social constraints were being disregarded there in the jumper bay. Dr. Weir was hugging Dr. Simpson and then Dr. Patel, Sheppard was slapping Lorne's back, and Stackhouse's, and so was Ronon, and Teyla was offering Athosian 'head touches' to everyone, including Radek who started out feeling a little awkward about it and finished up feeling rather moved.

They all made their way to the mess hall after that, as the 'strike force' members had been living on carefully rationed MREs and powerbars for the last two days and the jumper had come with fresh food. It was a celebratory meal, shared between just a dozen men and women, scientists and military all at one table.

"To homecomings," Elizabeth said, raising her bottle of water, and everyone at the table did likewise. Most of the food they'd brought in the jumper had been additional MREs, and Lorne would be making another couple of supply runs today to bring in more basic food staples, but for today's lunch General O'Neill had sent a half dozen whole barbecued chickens and several large tubs of both potato salad and coleslaw. Rodney tucked into his ravenously, and Radek found himself possessed of an appetite such as he had not known in months.

Rodney grinned when he finally took a breather, to see that Radek had eaten several pieces of chicken and generous servings of both salads, but then his expression sobered slightly.

"You do know that we have a couple of, well, hurdles remaining, where Atlantis is concerned," he said, gesturing with chicken greasy fingers.

Radek nodded, chewing and swallowing a last bite of slaw. "She will be in hiding still," he answered. "This I expected. She will have hidden herself very deeply after the Repicators came, if not earlier, and she will have no way of knowing now if it is safe."

"You know some way to tell her, right?" Rodney said, examining the bones on his plate for any remaining nutritional value.

"I do," Radek confirmed. "We arranged a code word, one that only the two of us would know, that would let her know it was safe to re-emerge. The difficulty will be finding where she has hidden, and where to deliver this password." Radek frowned, sifting through painful memories.

"But you have some idea of where that might be, right?" Rodney asked, his gaze a little worried, and no longer focused on his food.

"In part," Radek answered. "We agreed where her first hiding place should be, but it is likely that to evade the Replicators she has hidden that hiding place as well, and this is what I am not sure about. She was trying to tell me where this would be when the Ancients began removing the nanocites…" Radek felt his hands tighten into fists on the table top as he recalled this, but then there was Rodney's hand coming to rest over his and he relaxed a bit.

"We've got time now," he said, reassuring. "All the time you need. You'll find her."

"Yes, yes," Radek agreed. "If I am able to spend some time looking through city systems files, I am sure it will come back to me."

"Good," said Rodney, wiping his fingers on a thoroughly mangled napkin. "We'll set you up with a work station in the control room for now, and I'll get your laptop interfaced as soon as I can." He paused then, and frowned at what he had to say next. "There is one other fairly, um, major hurdle as well, you know," he said at last.

Radek nodded. "Where to get nanocites," he said, having thought about this on the way there.

"Exactly," Rodney said. "The greeting plaque is completely gone, as if it never existed. I'm assuming the Ancients are responsible for that, and I'm assuming that they disposed of any of the nanocites they found there." He picked absently at the label on his water bottle as he considered the problem.

"This I had expected as well," Radek said, because he had. "I think it would be best to attack one problem at a time. Once we have accessed Atlantis again, she may have something to say about nanocites. At worst she would have to manufacture them again from scratch, but it may also be that we could speed that process along, since we know what the goal is."

Rodney nodded. "Probably true," he said. "So let's get to work on problem number one. To the control room then?"


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The search for Atlantis' conscousness is interrupted by... smut!

Sitting down at a workstation in Atlantis' control room to re-familiarize himself with the Ancient's idea of a user interface was a homecoming of its own for Radek. It did not take long, however, and soon enough Radek was lost among systems he knew like old friends, greeting each with the sort of joy only an engineer would know. He felt Atlantis' absence in his mind a great deal now, to be sure, but the sense that she was near –imminent even- provided considerable comfort. She was waiting for him, and he would find her.

The very first things he checked were the system files for the life support and ventilation protocols for a certain sector on the southwest pier. It was among these system files that Atlantis had agreed to hide herself, and if those files were not where they should be –among the general life support system files for the whole southwest pier- then Radek knew she was still hiding and had not been found. If they were there, where they were supposed to be, then that would very likely be a bad sign.

Radek searched for those files three times before he gave a sigh of relief so loud that Rodney heard it, halfway across the control room. When he explained the importance of the small but critical missing system file, Rodney too gave a sigh of relief.

"So no one found her?" Rodney asked to be sure.

Radek shook his head. "If they had, they almost certainly would have put the file back where it belongs, with southwest pier life support," he said. "Since it is not there, and since southwest pier life support is functioning properly, in all sectors, it is most likely that she remains in hiding, but unharmed. Now I must only figure out where that is."

Radek bent to his task then, letting the noise and bustle of the control room fade into the background. Rodney came and went as he worked, busy with a dozen different projects of his own, but frequently stopping by to peer over Radek's shoulder as he did. After a few hours he materialized with a properly interfaced laptop for Radek to use instead, and while Radek was certainly able to work with the Ancients' interface, things would go a lot faster if he didn't have to translate everything from the Ancient language.

Systematically combing through every one of Atlantis' operations files, looking for anything out of place, or that might jog his memory, Radek knew it might take some time before he found what he was looking for. Every now and then he would catch a whisper of a memory of those awful last seconds with Atlantis, and he knew a frustrating certainty that the knowledge of where she had gone to hide was on the tip of his tongue, but he could never quite grasp it.

Engrossed in his wandering through Atlantis' systems, Radek was only faintly aware of the lunch that Carson brought him. When he drew his focus away from his computer screen to see what he had been given to eat (a sandwich and some grapes) he spotted the doctor on the far side of the control room, rousing Rodney from a similar state. Their eyes met briefly as they each took bites from their sandwiches, and then returned to their tasks. If Carson minded been so ignored he didn't say anything about it, but Radek figured that he must be used to it by now.

It was Sheppard who came to drag them to dinner, and only then did Radek notice that his empty lunch plate had been cleared away, or that hours had passed. Sheppard was able to cajole Rodney into leaving his projects for a bit, but Radek took his laptop with him, too impatient to find what he sought to leave off the search, even for the time it took to eat a meal. He had to leave it for a moment while he was getting his food, but he returned to his search as he ate, and no one commented on it. He let the surrounding conversation wash over him; Rodney marveling at the new systems that had been brought online, Sheppard enthusing about the newly accessible and restored parts of the city. Radek found the happy chatter of familiar voices comforting, but found himself growing a little anxious and frustrated, as his own goal remained out of reach.

"Yo! Earth to Radek!" Rodney was snapping his fingers right in Radek's face, which Radek generally found infuriating, but suspected was warranted in this case.

"You mean 'Lantia to Radek,' don't you Rodney?" Sheppard quipped as Radek shook himself out of his reverie.

"What? Yes? Sorry," he muttered, looking up at Rodney, who was ignoring Sheppard's remark. Radek saw that his dinner plate was empty, though he could not now recall anything that he had eaten.

"Since you've finished," Rodney was saying, "you want to go see the quarters I picked out for us?"

"We have quarters?" Radek asked stupidly, realizing how dumb the question was even as he asked it.

Rodney cuffed him gently, and reached over to close Radek's laptop. "No," he replied. "I figured we might as well just give up having even a pretense of a private life, and set up cots in the control room." Rodney snorted. "Of course we have quarters -really cool quarters. Come on."

Radek followed in a mild daze, his laptop tucked under his arm but his thoughts still lost among Atlantis' systems. He had already gone though propulsion and life support, and was now about halfway through a review of all of Atlantis' power systems, but so far nothing had seemed to be what he was looking for. He had not yet looked through even a fifth of the city's system files, he knew, but he had been hoping that one of the files he was scanning now might trigger a memory and help him recall what Atlantis had been trying to tell him in those last awful moments. So far, however, this had not proved to be the case.

Their journey involved two different transporters and countless corridors, and when they finally stopped Radek could not have said where they were at all. He had a sense that they were up in one of the towers, and a glance out an adjacent window confirmed this notion. Then the door they stood before opened and Rodney was ushering him in with a hummed fanfare.

"Well? What do you think?" he asked, before Radek had a chance to so much as look around.

There were windows here too, a lot of them, so that the room was filled with light. It was amber colored from the setting sun, and Radek could tell now that they were near the top of one of the more slender tapering towers, because the windows looked out over more than 90 degrees of panorama. The space was also rather larger than their previous quarters, and had an actual separate bedroom which Radek could glimpse through an open door. The bed seemed fairly sizable, too.

"Yes," said Radek. "This is quite nice. Does the our wifi network extend here as well?"

"Would I pick quarters outside of the network range?" Rodney said with an exaggerated eye roll. "Of course we're on the network here."

Radek was already opening up his laptop and setting it on the desk he had spotted, settling himself in the rolling chair that was parked beside it. "Then I can work here," he said. "Good." He found the screen where he had left off in the mess hall and returned to reviewing the system files in Atlantis' power grid and generation functions, all his attention on the city once again.

He heard Rodney sigh from somewhere behind him in the room, but he made no move to interfere, leaving Radek to his work. Instead, Radek was faintly aware of Rodney puttering about here and there in their new quarters, and of the light gradually leaving the sky so that his laptop became the primary source of light in the room. Other lights came on then -small ones over the kitchen counter and over the bed in the adjacent room, and it made the place feel comfortable and cozy. Rodney would have chosen this place, Radek reflected as he continued to scan through Atlantis' systems, thinking that if would be a home for them, a real home, and he had chosen well.

"Right then," Rodney interrupted suddenly. "It's time for a break."

"No, no," Radek shook his head, his eyes not leaving the computer screen. "I cannot stop now."

"Why not?" Rodney asked intractably.

"I have not found her yet," Radek answered, trying not to think how desperate his voice sounded. "I cannot stop till I have found her."

"Okay..." Rodney spoke reasonably... which was always a bad sign. "If you're going to scan through every one of Atlantis systems files without a break you'll go crazy from sleep deprivation long before you finish, and if you're hoping to shake some memory loose then you _really_ need to step back and take a breather." Rodney paused ever so slightly, and then said, "and as it happens I've got a great idea for clearing your head and getting a fresh perspective... hm?"

There could be no question as to what Rodney was suggesting, and it was tempting; really it was. Still, Radek could not tear himself away. He _wanted_ her, and she was so close... She might be found on the very next page he was scanning, and he couldn't stop... He just couldn't. Radek shook his head. "Not now," he murmured distractedly.

"Come on, Radek..." Rodney wheedled. "It's been days... I've really missed you and we have some serious 'welcome home sex' coming. We've got a whole new bed to inaugurate, for pity's sake."

Radek would not dignify this with an answer. He only hunched his shoulders and peered searchingly into the screen before his eyes.

"Raaaah-dek..." There was a warm, firm hand on his shoulders and lips brushing his ear and Rodney's voice was soft and plaintive. Radek shook his head, trying, half-heartedly, to shake his lover off.

"Rodney..." he ground out, trying to seem warning, though he feared that it had just come out as tired sounding. Rodney was not so easily shaken off either.

"Time. To. Take. A. Break." Rodney's lips were still too close, and his tone, though still soft, brooked no argument. Radek did not argue; he ignored. His eyes remained glued to the screen.

"Okay, you know what..." Oh this could not be good. Rodney's tone had suddenly turned irascible. "You leave me no choice..." Suddenly, strong hands were pulling Radek's chair away from the desk, turning him to face Rodney, and Rodney was dropping to his knees between Radek's thighs, hands reaching up and... oh shit...

As usual, Rodney was right about a lot of things. It _had_ been a while, and just the sensation of Rodney's hand pressing firmly against his crotch, even with his pants on, was enough to make him hard.

"Rodney, please..." Radek moaned, though already he was not altogether clear what he was begging for.

Now Rodney was ignoring him, intently focused on Radek's groin as Radek had been on his computer screen a moment before. Strong, skillful hands were unfastening his trousers, unzipping his fly, and Radek's own hands seemed paralyzed, stuck, gripping the seat of his chair.

Rodney's look, as he freed Radek's cock and saw how hard it was already, was positively feral. Feeling his heart seized with a something almost like fear, Radek knew that Rodney, at moments like this, became something like a force of nature -beyond human. He was pure and singularly dedicated intellect in the service of sex and pleasure, and how that could possibly be, Radek hadn't the slightest idea, but it was. He had seen it, been subject to this force, many times.

Now Rodney was nuzzling his cock, smelling it, caressing with his lips and making Radek's breaths stutter and catch in his throat. Even so, there was a part of Radek that strove to resist. He had not consented to this. Atlantis called to him still and this... distraction was unwanted. Radek swallowed and tried to find the words to tell Rodney to stop... but he could not quite manage -in any language.

It seemed that his body was surrendering piecemeal to Rodney's ministrations. His cock had gone over from the start -that was to be expected- but now his voice had abandoned him as well. The very breath in his lungs, and even his own beating heart capitulated at the first touch of Rodney's tongue, warm and wet, for he gasped at the touch and his heart seemed to miss a beat. it was really only the very tip of Rodney's tongue tasting and licking Radek's cock now and Rodney made happy little humming noises as he tasted, reaching out to probe into the slit at the head of his cock, seeking out the first few drops of percum.

"Prosím..." Radek moaned. _Sakra,_ now his English had gone too and really, what was the point of struggling against this? He was putty in Rodney's hands, and mouth, and Rodney knew it. What use was there in resisting? He might as well try and hold back the ocean tide with his hands.

Surrender was the only sensible course of action, and surrendering to Rodney was so very delicious. Rodney could always tell when he had, and there was always a reward. Tonight was no different. Rodney gave a contented sigh as Radek's body relaxed at last, and he began to mouth the head of Radek's cock, kissing and sucking the tender, sensitive flush there. Gasping softly as he did, Radek felt his hand move, almost of its own accord, craving the feel of Rodney's short, soft hair between his fingers. He let it, giving in entirely to his own desires and Rodney's will.

Rodney groaned as Radek's fingers came to comb through his hair, his own body shuddering just a little at the sensation. Then he was lowering his head, opening his throat and taking all of Radek's cock -deeper, deeper, until Radek could feel the head brush the back of Rodney's throat.

"Ježisi Marja..." Radek moaned, one hand gripping tightly on the chair seat, the other clutching at Rodney's hair. One of Rodney's hands on his thigh kept him mindful enough not to thrust, holding him in place by intent rather than strength. Radek had no idea why it was so easy to let himself be controlled in this way, but it was, and it felt wonderful.

The minute Rodney began moving his head up and down, sucking Radek's cock in and out of his mouth, Radek knew that he wasn't going to last long. He began to pant loudly, the pleasure from the sensations in his cock overwhelming every other sensation in his body. Rodney was all focus, intent upon his task as Radek watched him, enraptured. Though there was no shortage of passion in Rodney's lovemaking, Radek also knew that Rodney's every action was deliberate, with nothing left to chance.

Every movement he made, every suck and slide, every stroke of his tongue and caress of his lips was applied with intent, and Rodney's intention was to render Radek helpless with pleasure. As usual, he was doing a grand job. As the pleasure within him began to build, Radek began to tremble all over, the instinct to thrust short-circuited somehow by Rodney's hand on his thigh. His words, all of them, had fled now, and Radek was reduced to panting and moaning in time with the deadly, steady rhythm with which Rodney was applying himself to Radek's cock.

Taking him deep, so deep that Radek could almost feel Rodney's lips brush the top of his balls, and then drawing back attentively, caressing every centimeter of his cock as he did, Rodney left no room in him to feel anything but pleasure. Radek had no attention left for anything but the heat of Rodney's mouth on him, the soft, wet slide of his tongue against the base of his cock, the inexorable rhythm that was charging him with more and more pleasure. Radek felt it build in him, fill every corner of him, fill him to capacity and then more. And when he was filled, when he could take no more and was quivering with the tension of being so filled, then there could only be one inevitable result -discharge.

With a breathless shout, Radek felt his whole body go rigid, a moment of white, liquid heat overwhelming all his senses, and then Radek was aware of some of that liquid pleasure leaving his body and entering Rodney's in hot, energized pulses. He was thrusting, in spite of Rodney's restraining hand, but Rodney was taking it, taking him, swallowing it all down, and the light of the pleasure he had taken from Radek seemed to shine from his eyes.

~*~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Very NSFW pencil illustration for this chapter may be found [HERE](http://www.tdancinghands.com/distraction.htm).


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sex leads to inspiration... which leads to more sex.

Radek always knew several moments of blissful emptiness in the wake of such climaxes, and this one was no different. Aware only of the long breaths which he drew deep into his lungs, of how utterly relaxed his whole body was in spite of the fact that he was slumped in a chair clearly designed to discourage slumping, and his lovers smug, I-made-you-come- _so_ -hard smile, Radek savored the moment, a thing to be cherished in a mind more often frantic with motion and ideas.

Rodney understood this well, and always gave him this time without complaint, in spite of the fact that he was clearly ready for Radek's reciprocal attentions, kneeling on the floor before him, his trousers open and his cock up-thrust and flushed with need. He would have his needs met soon enough, Radek knew, as various random thoughts and considerations began to filter back into his awareness. They came in a random order always, free associationally, and sometimes almost whimsically. And sometimes they were inspired. As the last few hours he'd spent pouring over Atlantis' system files came jumbled into Radek's thoughts, along with other random memory fragments, one suddenly asserted itself: a memory fraught with anguish and terror, and an image, crystal-clear and precise.

Suddenly, Radek's heart was racing. "Já to mám!" he cried, pushing himself back to the laptop on the desk in front of him. "I have it!"

Rodney's disgruntled and affronted look disappeared instantly and he scrambled to his feet to stand behind Radek, looking over his shoulder at the computer screen. Fingers moving like lightning over the keys, Radek accessed Atlantis' data library and entered the historical archive, a cache of information so precious, not even the Replicators would have dared tamper with it. Here Radek made his way to the entries covering the time period equivalent to the year of his birth, a galaxy away, and among these entries he found the misplaced folder of ventilation protocol system files.

"Ano..." he whispered in relief and opened them, finding among the expected operation directories, one small program named 'reunion.exe'. He opened this program and was immediately presented with a single command line. The seven letter word which Radek wrote there required him to engage the Czech character setting on his keyboard, an additional security measure both he and Atlantis had thought fitting. Once he had typed the word 'miláčku' into the command line, Radek tapped Enter, and then sat back to watch the results.

They came instantly. A dozen different windows opened and closed on Radek's computer before it was returned to the Library Index Page and then, beside him, Radek heard Rodney gasp.

"Oh my God..." Rodney choked. "Oh my God... Atlantis... I can feel... Radek, she's... she's back!"

Turning to regard his lover, Radek saw Rodney's eyes wide with astonishment and dawning joy. Radek felt his own heart leap.

"You did it!" Rodney cried, grabbing Radek by the arms and pulling him up, out of the chair. "You found her! Oh my God, Radek; you found her!"

It was no easy thing to combine giddy grins and a passionate kiss, but Rodney and Radek weren't called geniuses for nothing. All-consuming joy aside, they both quickly became distracted by the fact that their trousers were open and Rodney was still rock hard. Radek could feel it against his belly and wanted that hardness inside him, now. He was starting to pull Rodney toward the bed, recalling with delight that they had yet to inaugurate this particular piece of furniture, when Rodney suddenly got a distracted look, and then raised his hand to his ear.

"Yes, what is it now Colonel?" Rodney snapped, but then his annoyed look softened. "Yeah, it is," he said now. "We found her... well Radek..." but Radek didn't have a chance to hear what else Rodney was saying to Sheppard, because now his own radio sounded.

"Radek?" It was Carson's voice, perplexed but hopeful. "Is that... it's Atlantis I'm feeling, isn't it? You found her?"

"Ano, yes," said Radek with a laugh, sure now just what Colonel Sheppard had been calling about. "Only a few moments ago. We were actually about to go off radio, Rodney and I..." he began.

"Oh, aye," said Carson with a knowing smile in his voice. "I can see why you might want to. Now that I know what's what, I can field any other questions from the other gene carriers, as they're like to come in now she's out and about."

"Thank you, Carson," Radek replied. "I think we would both appreciate having the rest of the evening off."

Carson agreed that this was entirely reasonable and signed off, and now Radek could hear Rodney saying "... I appreciate your letting Elizabeth know... thanks," as he removed his own earpiece.

He dropped the earpiece on the desk next to Radek's and then looked back up to meet his gaze, eyes sparkling with joy and arousal.

"Now," Rodney said with growing heat. "Where were we?"

"Not quite where we need to be... yet," said Radek, taking Rodney's hand once again to pull him towards the bedroom. Luckily it was only a few steps, as both their pants were down around their knees by the time they arrived, and they both sat on the edge of the bed and hastened to remove them the rest of the way. They quickly discovered, however, that their shoes and socks needed to be removed before their trousers could be. This took a little doing, between two pairs of overeager and fumbling hands, but when this was at last accomplished, trousers, shirts and underwear all quickly came to be deposited in a heap at the foot of their new bed. Rodney and Radek, now blissfully free of clothing, knelt upon it, facing each other and took a moment to devour each other with their eyes.

"She's watching," Rodney all but whispered and Radek realized that he had no idea where the sensors were located in this room. They'd both gotten in the habit of looking towards these sensors when addressing the sentient city, and were occasionally mindful that their view be unobstructed if they wished to 'include' her in their lovemaking. It didn't really matter, though, Radek knew. She was everywhere, really, and what she could not 'see' she could sense in countless other ways. She would know that _they_ knew that they were being watched, that she was in their thoughts as they touched and pleasured one another, and that was what mattered.

Radek nodded, reaching up to caress Rodney's face and gazing into his eyes. "Watch us, můj drahý," he said to her. "See how much we missed you."

And then Rodney kissed him, and after that there were no words.

The heat of their kiss soon stole all the strength from their limbs, and they collapsed onto the bed, arms and legs and bodies all intertwined. Rodney seemed to want to kiss every part of his body and Radek thought of the faint connection Atlantis had with Rodney through his ATA gene, and how much the city must want to do just what Rodney was doing, and so he acquiesced, touching Rodney's hair, his face, his soft skin as he moved.

Though he'd come not too long ago, Radek soon felt himself growing hard and aroused again, but what he really wanted would please Rodney as well, he knew.

"You have lube somewhere in this wonderful new room, yes?" Radek asked during a pause in Rodney's kisses.

Rodney grinned and pointed to himself in a familiar gesture. "Hello, genius here," he answered and sat back to pull open a drawer on the bed stand, producing the requested item.

"I want you," Radek said, voice dark with lust now that all obstacles to his desire had been removed. "I want you, in me now."

"Oh god..." Rodney moaned, all his smug flippancy vanished in an instant. Radek was already lying on his back and now raised a leg to give Rodney easier access. Rodney uncapped the lube with less than steady hands and soon enough his warm, slippery fingers were entering Radek. He never failed to marvel at the deep, almost mysterious sensations of pleasure that filled him whenever Rodney pressed his fingers or cock into Radek's body. It was an entirely different sort of sensation from the overt, tactile pleasures of touching his cock, for he could not so much feel the actual fingers moving inside his body as he could feel the effect of them. It touched something deep inside of him, as Rodney's rare unguarded smile touched his heart, and it never failed to make him moan with pleasure.

Radek moaned loudly now, grateful as Rodney's fingers thrust into him, stretching him and sending surges of liquid pleasure through his whole body. His cock had grown rigidly hard again, and new moisture seeped from its tip. Rodney chuckled to see it.

"She wants to see you come again," Rodney whispered conspiratorially, and whether this was literally true or not, Radek knew suddenly that he would, and probably without Rodney touching him. Radek could tell that Rodney's three fingers were moving in and out of him easily now, and wanted Rodney's cock with every fiber of his being, but all he could say was, "yes... Rodney... please..."

"Yeah... oh yeah," Rodney murmured, apparently catching Radek's drift, because he was slicking up his cock now, Radek could hear the wet sounds of Rodney's lube slippery hand moving over his own hard flesh, then Rodney's fingers were slipping out of him, and moments later his cock was pressing its way in. As always, there was that brief flash of helpless panic that Radek always felt upon being entered, and then... oh it was so good, so very good, to be filled with Rodney's cock. Thick and hard it pressed into him, deep, deeper, igniting liquefying waves of pleasure that surged through Radek's body and poured out of him in broken voiced cries that seemed to come from the very depths of his soul.

Above him, Rodney was trembling and wide eyed, murmuring "fuck, oh fuck, Radek, oh god..." like a litany as he sheathed himself fully in Radek's warm, willing body. He remained there, almost still save for his trembling for a few moments, then he began to thrust in short, deep strokes, in an almost tentative rhythm. Radek lifted both his legs to hook them over Rodney's hips and Rodney's rhythm gradually grew more sure, his strokes longer. They were breathing together now, deep pants in tandem with Rodney's thrusts, and Radek found himself lifting his hips in counterpoint, impaling himself even more deeply on Rodney's cock as he thrust. It seemed to Radek that they must be approaching the inevitable downhill tumble to mutual completion when Rodney stopped suddenly, he's face mask of concentration.

"She's... she's watching, Radek," he gasped, eyes shut tight. Rodney would not be seeing what Atlantis saw, only Radek, when interfacing via Atlantis nanocites, would have that kind of access. Rodney would be sensing her mood, however, her feelings and desires, especially if they were strong ones.

"She... she wants..." he began, struggling to put words to the alien desires as he also struggled to restrain himself from continuing to fuck Radek. Appreciating what a monumental struggle that must be, Radek's admiration knew no bounds. Also, he knew Atlantis, and knew what she wanted.

"You want to see, můj drahý?" he asked, and above him, trembling with thwarted desire, Rodney choked, "yes!"

~*~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another NSFW illo: [HERE](http://www.tdancinghands.com/ThreeLovers.htm)


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After yet more sex, Carson provides a possible solution.

Marshaling of his own strength of will, Radek slowly lowered his legs from over Rodney's hips, so that Rodney begin to slide out of him.

"Oh God..." Rodney shuddered, straightening to sit up on his knees and pulling the rest of the way out of Radek's body.

"Bože..." Radek groaned as he lay flat on his back on the bed, aching with sudden emptiness. Rodney's hand clutching at his arm compelled him into action before more than a few seconds had passed.

"Radek... please," Rodney moaned, his voice strained with desperate desire.

"Ano," Radek breathed and forced himself up, coming to kneel in front of Rodney, back to his front, he pushed himself back to straddle his lap. Rodey's hands came up now to grasp his hips, supporting him and guiding him down onto his waiting cock. It entered easily this time, and it felt to Radek like coming home. He let loose a soul-deep sigh as he felt and heard Rodey do the same.

They relaxed against each other now, Rodney buried deep in Radek's body, and Radek leaning back to rest against Rodney's broad chest. He let his head fall back onto Rodney's shoulder and felt Rodney's lips against the corner of his jaw, and his hands wrapped around his waist.

"Yeah... oh yeah..." Rodney breathed. "So good, Radek you feel so good..."

"Miláčku," was all Radek could manage, reveling in the sensations of being surrounded and filled by his lover. It had to be a coincidence, both men would later swear, but there was something eerily perfect about how just then the full moon outside their large bedroom window broke free of the clouds and threw a wash of gleaming, pearlescent light over the city towers outside. Radek could have wept with the joy and beauty of it but instead he said, "mí milovaní," and arched against Rodney, making Rodney's cock move inside him.

Rodney gave an inarticulate cry and responded instantly, thrusting hard and deep, and Radek thrust back in turn. He had much more freedom of movement in this position and loved the feeling of impaling himself on Rodney's cock again and again. The only drawback to it was that he could not see Rodney's face in this position. Instead, Radek closed his eyes and imagined what Atlantis was seeing, what she would show him were he linked to her as before.

It wasn't hard. He and Rodney had made love in this way many times while Atlantis watched, and the images she had shared with Radek were some of his most treasured memories. All of those occasion had taken place in Rodney or Radek's old, tiny, cluttered rooms, however, and now, tonight, Atlantis would be watching them making love in a spacious room on a large bed, the moonlit city all but glowing through the large window behind them.

Radek held this image in his mind -thought of the pale wash of moonlight over the bed, over their faces. He thought of how it would paint their planes of their joined bodies, making the sweat on his forehead, on Rodney's chest, glisten as they moved. Radek also recalled how, though the city's "eyes" did not move and focus as human eyes did, her attention would focus on different aspects of the scene as she watched.

Always, he remembered, she enjoyed watching the motion of their hips, one set thrusting forward, the other thrusting back to meet them and be filled. She liked to watch their faces too, to see Rodney's sharp eyed focus softened with lust, and to see his own lips moving soundlessly, speaking endearments and profanities in his mother tongue -- which she would understand in spite of their being silent and in Czech.

When Atlantis shared what she saw with Radek, Radek always shared what he felt, letting the city's artificial intelligence sense everything his body experienced, as if it were her own. Now she would be feeling Rodney's hard flesh moving deep inside him, carefully angled so that it pressed past that special place on every stroke. Radek would share that warm surge of pleasure that came with every stroke, as well as how his body answered that pleasure, by driving itself onto Rodney's cock over and over, almost mindlessly.

He would share how it felt to have Rodney's strong, warm body surrounding his, holding him, the broad, sheltering chest pressed against his back, and Rodney's right arm wrapped around his waist, holding him securely. He would share the breathtaking joy of feeling Rodney's talented, capable fingers wrapped around his cock, and she would send him the image of his hand wrapped around Rodney's, their fingers interlacing as they stroked together...

So lost was Radek in his reverie that he paid almost no attention to the climax building in him until he found himself swept up in it. The imagined visual of his and Rodney's hands stroking his cock together, along with the very real sensations this stimulation invoked, had him over the edge. He shouted suddenly, his back arching as his body went rigid. Hot splashes of his cum fell on their intertwined fingers and Radek felt the same pulses that drove his spending fourth seize around Rodney's cock where it was sheathed deep in his body. Even as Radek felt the shuddering aftershocks of his climax move through him, Rodney's arm around his waist tightened suddenly and Rodney gasped loudly in his ear. Then came the precious flood of heat within him and Rodney was nearly sobbing with the intensity of his release, curling forward to rest his head on Radek's shoulder, letting Radek's smaller body support much of his weight.*

They remained kneeling and supporting each other in this manner for a few moments as they gasped and panted together, catching their breaths. Then, at last, they gradually drew apart, collapsing in slow-motion onto the bed. Radek rolled to face Rodney, drinking in the sight of Rodney's sated expression, his lips softly parted, eyes half closed yet bright where slivers of piercing blue peered out from beneath heavy lids. Radek reached up to lay a hand on that beloved face, his heart reaching out both to this corporeal lover and to the one haunting Rodney's gaze.

"Mí milovaní," Radek murmured once again, noticing now how very bright Rodney's eyes were.

"My god..." Rodney spoke unsteadily. "My god, she's happy."

 

When they checked their e-mail the next morning, both Rodney and Radek found a message in their inbox from "Atlantis". The message contained only a single image, from the jumper bay early the day before, captured just as Rodney and Radek had fallen into each others arms in happy reunion. The meaning was clear. Atlantis was telling them, "welcome home".

~*~

 

As pleasant as the evening had been, Radek found himself increasingly impatient to be connected with Atlantis again. His mind worked furiously, as he drifted off to sleep in Rodney's arms that night, and as he returned comfortably to wakefulness the next morning, on what might be the most expedient way to find or re-create the nanocites Atlantis had made to interface with non-gene carrying humans. There was, at least, little doubt that they would get there eventually, but at the present moment it seemed that their only avenue of approach was to re-create them from scratch.

They'd have the city's plans and schematics, of course, and she'd probably be able to direct them to some technology or lab that would assist them in the creation of the micro sized devices, but all this would take time. Ordinarily, Radek Zelenka was the very soul of patience, but in this, he found himself restless and frustrated. He was here; she was all around him, but he could not touch as he was accustomed to. It was driving him crazy.

Being so distracted, Radek had no idea what might be behind Carson Beckett's tentatively hopeful smile as he approached Radek and Rodney's breakfast table the next morning, though he might have guessed.

"Now that you've gone and found Atlantis," he said, "I've something in my lab you may find of interest. I've no guarantee it'll work, but I imagine it'll be useful to you in any event."

~*~

The dull, pewter gray powder if the tiny glass capsule that Carson showed them, when Rodney and Radek appeared in his lab a short while later, reminded Rodney of the stuff inside an Etch-a-Sketch (™ Ohio Arts). It seemed inert to him, and he shook the capsule idly while Carson explained where it had come from.

"I'd no idea why I thought it would be worth taking," he said, "as it seemed fairly unlikely that we'd ever be coming back here again. I suppose I was curious, and when the Ancient fellow who'd used the device to remove Radek's nanocites took this out and dropped it like it was a used tissue or some such... well mostly I supposed he wouldn't miss it till after we'd gone, and maybe it'd be interesting to study someday."

"You took it back to earth with you?" Rodney asked incredulously. "Did you even stop and consider how dangerous these things could be, assuming they _are_ Atlantis' nanocites, if they got loose?"

"They're in a sealed container, Rodney," Carson began, "and I packed them in a double sealed biohazard container on top of that..." He was interrupted in mid-sentence by Radek throwing his arms around him.

"Thank you, Carson!" he cried gratefully. "I cannot thank you enough, my friend."

Carson blushed a bit, then laid a hand on Radek's shoulder to hold him back. "Steady lad," he said. "I've no way of knowing for certain if these really are what you're looking for, and even if they are, Rodney's right. They're likely inert, and may have been permanently disabled."

The look of blunted hope on Radek's face hurt Rodney's heart, and he peered intently at the little vial in his hand, in the hope of wresting its secrets from it by willpower alone. His idea, when it came a moment later, was close to that.

"The ATA gene," he said. "We know they respond to it. If they're not completely disabled then contact with an ATA gene will probably reactivate them."

Carson regarded him narrowly as Rodney began examining the closure on the Ancient vial. "Rodney," he cautioned, "you've had more than enough run-ins with these little buggers..."

"Yes, yes," Rodney muttered dismissively, though he knew Carson had a point. Still, the light of renewed hope in Radek's eyes played havoc with his usually cautious nature, and in that light this seemed a small, altogether acceptable risk.

"There," he said as he found the right combination of pushing and twisting to unlock the ornate lid from the vial, nothing to anyone who had mastered the 'childproof' caps of contemporary Earth pill bottles. Rodney tapped the vial gently, assuring that its contents were safely seated at the bottom, as he met Carson worried gaze. "Beng careful, see?" he said as he eased the top off, then quickly sealed the opening with the ball of his thumb. Rodney knew a moment of unease as he contemplated his next action, and glancing over at Radek, saw that his love felt anxiety on his behalf as well as his own. Still, it would be easier to proceed at this point them to back off and so, with a brief, steadying breath, Rodney tipped the vial upside down, so that the inert, gray powder fell onto the surface of his thumb.

For a breathless second, nothing happened, and then, before their wide and anxious eyes, the gray 'dust' in the vial acquired a silvery sheen, and then appeared to become liquid.

"Yes!" cried Rodney triumphantly as he heard Radek utter something profoundly grateful in Czech. Now all he had to do was turn the vial right side up again so that the now 'liquid' nanocites would flow back to the bottom and then they could be tested and administered to Radek, if they checked out... but they weren't flowing back to the bottom of the vial. They weren't obeying the laws of gravity at all.

"Oh shit," said Rodney as he watched the mercury-like nanocites began to seep impossibly between the rim of the vial and his thumb. and spread slowly over his skin.

"Crap," he heard Carson say, and he was vaguely aware of the man casting about his lab, looking for some way to control the escaping nanocites. All Rodney could do, however, was stare in horror as the vial slowly emptied and the end of his thumb gradually became coated with an impossibly thin layer of the silvery nanocites. Mouth dry and eyes wide with incipient panic, Rodney could only think how terrifying his last two uncontrolled encounters with Atlantis' nanocites had been, and he was paralyzed with fear. Radek, however, was not.

Seizing Rodney's hand, he pulled the now empty and useless in vial out of Rodney's fingers, dropped it onto the lab bench and then, quick as a cat, popped Rodney's thumb into his mouth. He held it there for a long moment, as Rodney gazed at him in astonishment and alarm and Carson paused in his frantic search to see what had happened. Then his eyes drifted closed and he smiled around Rodney's thumb, drawing it out slowly, making sure it was free of nanocites.

"Miláčku," he sighed, with a ridiculously dopey smile on his face... and then his knees gave way.

~*~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Another illo, also NSFW: [HERE](http://www.tdancinghands.com/watching.htm)


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rodney feels left out, and Atlantis promises to make it up to him.

Rodney caught him before he hit the floor and Carson was there half a second later to help support him. Together, Rodney and Carson dragged him in to the infirmary proper and laid him on the bed, Carson removing his shoes while Rodney removed his glasses. Having settled him properly, Carson then took Radek's pulse and checked his blood pressure while Rodney hovered.

"Is he okay?" Rodney asked as Carson removed the blood pressure cuff without comment.

"You're askin' me?" Carson replied with amusement.

"Why, yes, _Doctor_ ," Rodney snapped. "I am. Or is this," he waved dismissively at the cuff he'd just put away, "really no more than chicken bones and rattles, as I've always maintained?"

Carson sighed with exasperation. "Aye, well," he said. "According to my 'chicken bones'," he said with an exaggerated eye-roll, "his pulse and blood pressure are normal. As to the larger question of whether he's 'okay' or not -for that you'd have to ask Atlantis, I expect."

"And you can't?" Rodney asked, trying not to sound desperate, and not really succeeding, he feared. Through his own weak ATA gene he could sense Atlantis' presence and sometimes her mood, but that was all, and right now it wasn't nearly enough. Certainly Radek's last word before he had lost consciousness had seemed a good sign, but seeing him lying so still in the infirmary bed worried Rodney terribly. Radek's rash actions had been taken to save his sanity, whereas his own had merely been an act of foolish impatience. He had to know for sure that Radek wasn't suffering for it.

Carson sighed again, but it was an understanding sigh, and he came to stand alongside Rodney at the foot of Radek's bed, laying a kindly hand on Rodney's shoulder.

"I have tried, lad," he said, "but all I get from her is that she seems to be a bit distracted. Now that could be a good sign... but I can't really say for sure. You could try asking Colonel Sheppard."

Rodney shook his head, his shoulders slumping. "He won't know any more than you do," he said with a sigh of his own. "I'll just have to wait to see what happens. It's okay if I wait here, isn't it?" he asked Carson.

"Aye, of course," said Carson. "I've a few things to look after in my lab, but you're free to stay as long as you like, and I'll be right next-door if you need anything."

"Thanks Carson," Rodney said, not looking up as he heard Carson leave the room. He made his way to a chair at the bedside and sat there, taking Radek's hand to hold between his own. He lost track of the time as he sat, his thoughts swinging between awful anxiety over how terribly still Radek lay, and agonized hope when he remembered the blissful look on Radek's face just before he had collapsed.

Surely this meant that all was well, that Radek and Atlantis were having an understandably lengthy and intense reunion. Still, even if that was the case, Rodney could not help but feel left out. What they'd had had been between the three of them, with Radek as a necessary intermediary between him and Atlantis. Although, Rodney reflected now, Radek had not _always_ been an intermediary. More than a few times Rodney had simply addressed the city himself, directly, and had been understood. Perhaps that was what this occasion called for.

Rodney swallowed nervously. Getting started was always hard, as he had to overcome a considerable barrier of self-consciousness before he could make himself speak to the empty room. Still, too much was at stake to worry about his dignity now. He looked down at Radek, and then up.

"A... Atlantis?" he began unsteadily. "I... I'm pretty sure you can hear me... but we haven't really, um... talked since we got back. And it's really, _really_ good to be back... just to say... like you didn't know that..."

Rodney cleared his throat, glancing back down at Radek to focus his thoughts. "Here... here's the thing," he continued. "I'm sure you and Radek are having a terrific little reunion. At least I hope that's what's going on, because if it's not... well that's just it. I don't really have any way of knowing... and you know how I tend to, um, worry... about... things... about Radek, especially... you know."

Rodney could feel his voice going unsteady, and swallowed to try and firm it up again. "If you could just... I don't know... let him go for just a second, just long enough to let me know that he's okay... that you're both okay. That's all. Then you can have him back for as long as you want and I won't bug you about it anymore..." Rodney trailed off nervously, clutching Radek's warm, quiescent hand between his two, and lowered his head. Waiting. Hoping. Then the hand between his moved and gripped him, firmly.

"Radek?" he squeaked, heart in his throat. Pale blue eyes, always arresting without their covering lenses, blinked up at him.

"Rodney," he said with a smile. "We are both fine, and she is sorry that she frightened you, as am I."

Rodney felt almost euphoric with relief. "Oh thank God," he murmured and leaned down to kiss him tenderly.

Radek reached up to touch his face and Rodney could see, once again, two intelligences gazing at him through Radek's eyes. "Thank you," he said, "for coming back. You risked much, I know, and I am forever in your debt."

"I had to," Rodney said, heart the thudding in his chest, for he knew he was talking to Atlantis now. He reached down to brush a stray lock of hair off Radek's forehead. "I had to, má zlatíčko."

Radek captured Rodney's hand and lifted it to his lips. "We will be together again soon, můj drahý, all of us, but we two want some time yet. There is so much to rediscover."

"Yeah, I get that," Rodney said with a fond smile. "Take all the time you need. I'll be waiting here."

Rodney trotted over to the lab when Radek drifted off again, to tell Carson the good news and to pick up his laptop which he'd left here. He then radioed Elizabeth to give her an update, and when he finished talking to her, it occurred to him that there was another person who ought to be informed about this latest development as well.

Dr Enid Patel was an exotic materials specialist in Radek's engineering division who, like Radek, had never yet responded to the ATA gene therapy. As such, she'd agreed to be the designated 'understudy nanocite carrier' should anything ever happen to Radek.

She'd 'test driven' the nanocites some time ago, and she and the city had gotten along quite well. Rodney supposed that she might want to know that they had rediscovered Atlantis' nanocites and ought to be asked if she would once again be the backup carrier. She answered her radio promptly, and was overjoyed, in her typically restrained manner, to hear Rodney's news.

"I am very pleased indeed to hear this," she said, "and of course I would be quite happy to continue with our previous arrangement. It might be best, however, if I had an opportunity, at some point, to reacquaint myself with Atlantis' nanocites once again. I have noticed that the city has undergone quite a few structural and other changes, and I think it would be prudent for me to become familiar with these alterations now, instead of later in some... crisis situation?"

"Good point," Rodney agreed. "I'll take it up with Radek when he's... available again, and we'll need to figure out another standby nanocite delivery system, now that the 'greeting plaque' is gone."

She signed off as a Rodney considered that this latter was a problem that could do with Carson's input. Poking his head back into the lab to point this out, Rodney learned that Carson was already at work on the problem, and had some ideas he'd want to share with Radek, as soon as he was up and around. Radek, Rodney reflected, was going to be a very busy man for the next little while. Busy but happy.

~*~

Radek returned to the world of living around midmorning the next day. Rodney had crawled into the neighboring cot to sleep at some point late the night before, and had quickly fallen into a sound sleep. An inexplicable tickle in the back of his mind woke him now. When he became conscious enough to identify the voices speaking softly nearby as belonging to Carson and Radek, he realized that there was nothing inexplicable about the tickle, and he sent a silent thanks to the city who had so kindly and gently waked him.

"M'rn'ng," he mumbled as he turned on the narrow cot to face them, blinking sleepily.

"Dobre rano, miláčku," said Radek, smiling warmly.

Rodney made an unintelligible noise as he scrubbed at his face, determining that just because Radek has taught him to recognize 'good morning' in Czech didn't mean that he had to respond in kind, especially not before coffee.

"Sorry for waking you," Carson said. "We meant to be quiet."

"Didn't..." Rodney muttered. "Wake me, I mean. 'Lantis did. I asked her to. D'you have any coffee here or to I have to send some lackey to get it from the mess?"

"Would that be one of your lackeys, Rodney," Carson asked, "or mine?"

"Yours are closer," Rodney answered.

"In that case," said Carson, making sure to sound put upon, "I'll send one of _my_ lackeys to get you some coffee from _my_ office. But only one cup. You want any more you'll have to get it yourselves, from the mess hall."

"Thanks Carson," Rodney said, rubbing his eyes and yawning. "You're a true friend."

"Aye, that I am," said Carson with a warm smile, "and don't you forget it." He briefly scanned the immediate vicinity for the nurse on duty and when he failed to spot anyone, Carson evidently elected to fetch Rodney's coffee himself, and headed off.

As soon as they were alone, Rodney slipped off his cot to close with Radek for a morning kiss, which Radek returned with affectionate fervor. This, Rodney thought, with a rare and deep sense of content, this was home. Radek's eyes were sparkling as they drew apart, his lips softly parted as though he were either about to say something, or just kiss him again. The kiss won out, though Rodney got the sense that whatever Radek had been thinking of saying had been better communicated by the kiss anyhow. The soft clink of a pair of coffee cups knocking together bought this second kiss to a close.

Rodney's grin was only a little sheepish as he took the cup and thanked Carson. It wasn't like Carson didn't know how it was with them, and this morning Rodney felt so happy, he didn't much care who saw him kissing Radek.

"God's in his heaven and all's right with the world, eh?" Carson offered with an understanding smile as Rodney made a happy, appreciative sound over his first sip of coffee.

"Hm," Rodney replied thoughtfully. "Change that to 'Atlantis is in her city' and you've got it about right."

Radek nodded quietly, savoring his own coffee. Then he said, "I assume you would like to examine me once more before I leave here?"

"Aye," Carson answered. "Just a quick look to make sure nothing odd has turned up, and a wee blood sample to see if we can manage to synthesize more nanocites... for emergencies."

Radek nodded once more. "Atlantis has also been thinking how this might be done," he said. "She can instruct the nanocites in this sample to replicate at the much higher rate, if you will pause just a moment as you are taking it. All you will need to do then is separate the nanocites from my blood and you will have enough to inoculate Dr. Patel, should the need arise."

Even though he had been the one to raise the issue again by contacting Dr. Patel and talking to Carson about it yesterday, all this contingency plan talk made Rodney a little uneasy, and it brought back painful memories. Radek sensed this of course, and laid a comforting hand on Rodney's shoulder, banishing the memories for now.

"She also thinks it a good idea for her and Dr. Patel to have some reunion of their own," Radek said, "as she suggested. The city does feel a little different now -in a good way," he added at Rodney's concerned look.

"We have so many things to show you, miláčku," Radek said, turning to face Rodney and to take one of his hands to hold between Radek's two. "So many wonderful things."

Carson moved quickly through Radek's exam after this, following his instructions (Atlantis' really) to hold the syringeful of blood, needle still in Radek's arm, so that the city could still direct the nanocites there, for four or five seconds, while Atlantis reprogrammed them. When he was done, Carson sent them both on their way, not failing to mention how much more work he would get done now that they weren't underfoot.

After a quick shower (though they were both sorely tempted to take a much longer, far more entertaining one, they promised themselves this treat for later) and Rodney radioed Elizabeth and Sheppard to see if they were available for a briefing after breakfast.

They were, and so the four of them, plus Dr. Patel, who had an interest as the city's chief structural engineer, as well as Radek's surrogate nanocite carrier, spent two and half hours learning about the structural changes that the Ancients and the Replicators had made to Atlantis. After that it was off to the labs to brief the returned science staff (by now about a dozen had managed to get here) about some of the new labs and facilities which had come on line or been restored. Rodney had never in his life attended a happier briefing. Doctors Simpson and Kusanagi were practically squealing with every revelation, Dr. Chen was hyperventilating, and by the end of the meeting Dr. Renaldo, a particle physicists, looked as if he were about to weep with joy.

~*~


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Settling back in again, and the obligatory shower sex scene.

It was time for lunch when this briefing was concluded, and Rodney was ravenous. It seemed that Radek was too, for he lit into his lunch with more appetite than Rodney had seen him display in months. His heart lifted to see it, and he knew with happy certainty that Radek would have no trouble regaining the pounds he had lost. He smiled as he looked forward to laying his head on Radek's soft, slightly rounded belly once again, and knew suddenly that Atlantis liked seeing this on her lover too.

"What are you grinning at?" Radek asked, gesturing with the second half of his second grilled cheese sandwich.

"Good to see you eating again," was all Rodney said, thinking that if Atlantis wanted to send him an image of Rodney sleeping with his head pillowed on Radek's belly, well that was between them. He'd explain _himself_ in detail later, and in private.

"I see," said Radek, with a look that told Rodney that this was just what she had done. Rodney smirked, and Radek frowned suspiciously.

"You know," he said, "you both tell me that neither one of you can sense more then 'vague feelings' from one another..." Radek air-quoted 'vague feelings', and Rodney almost snorted his tomato soup out his nose. "But I constantly get the impression that you are able to communicate rather more when you are inclined."

Rodney shrugged. "Great minds think alike, Radek," he explained airily. "That's all it is."

Radek's gaze narrowed, and if he'd had peas, or some other throwable vegetable on his plate, Rodney would be preparing to duck, but no way was Radek going to throw the last few bites of that sandwich, and soup was just too messy. Instead, Radek only muttered something in Czech, probably involving some dire revenge, and finished his sandwich.

"Can I get you another one?" Rodney asked, rising to get himself a third sandwich, because grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup was one of his favorite lunches in the world, and he was feeling indulgent.

"Seeing as both my lovers are so eager to fatten me up," said Radek with a resigned smile, and a twinkle in his eye, "you might as well."

After lunch, Radek was able, at last, to make good on his promise of showing Rodney many of the wonderful new, or newly operable, features and facilities he had spoken of. They went with an expedition that included a handful of the scientists, Sheppard, Lorne -who was getting a well-deserved break from running puddle jumper ferry runs all day- and a few Marines, just as a precaution.

Four and half hours of tramping over Atlantis' outer regions later, Rodney was comfortably tired, sweaty, and ravenous. Radek was in a similar state, but they both agreed to dinner first, because they both knew what a shower would lead to.

"Besides," Radek had said after they had shared a long kiss that had begun the moment the expedition had broken up and they'd found themselves alone in the lab, "your blood sugar is low again. I can tell."

Dinner was a hallmark of American cuisine, the hot turkey 'sandwich'.

"What is this," Rodney remarked, gazing at the typical slice of 'two-tone' turkey, snow white 'balloon bread', and the ubiquitous ice cream scoop of (instant) mashed potatoes, all swimming in pale brown gravy, "the all 'comfort food' menu?"

Radek only shrugged, and devoured two whole servings without complaint. At least, with so few personnel in the city, for now, there were no limits on seconds, or even thirds.

Dessert was, oddly, [Girl Scout cookies](http://www.girlscoutcookies.org/meet_cookies.asp) -boxes and boxes of them that Lorne had brought in with his last jumper run. A variety, leaning heavily on the Thin Mints, were laid out on a tray at the end of the serving line, but both Rodney Radek were inclined to save their desserts for... later. It was a measure of the overall goodwill amongst the city's current inhabitants that Rodney hardly had to wheedle, and didn't have to resort to threats at all, to convince Sergeant Chandler, who was running the kitchen today, to let him take a whole box of Samoas, as long as he promised not to show it off in the mess hall. Radek, who gave a bemused smile as Rodney impatiently hurried him out of the mess when they'd finished, only knew half the reason for Rodney's eagerness to get to their quarters.

Their laptops and the box of Samoas were deposited unceremoniously on the dining table the moment the reentered their rooms, and Radek's glasses were laid, a little more carefully, on the night stand, right next to the brand-new tube of Astro-Glide he'd bought with him from Earth. Their clothes quickly came to be abandoned in two heaps on the bedroom floor and the two naked scientists make their way directly to the shower.

It was a nice, big shower, and decorated, around the light fixtures, mirrors and doors, with green and gold stained-glass, in the pleasant, abstract geometric style found everywhere in the city.

It also, (and this had been strong selling point for the whole flat for Rodney) had two showerheads, on opposite sides of the stall. They both started with a thought from Rodney as they entered the bathroom, and the room was filling with clouds of steam by the time they were stepping inside.

Rodney was only vaguely aware of the undone sound he'd made as he stepped beneath the stinging hot deluge and let it wash away the day's sweat and grime. He stepped directly under one of the sprays to let the water sluice over his head, drenching his hair and poring over his eyes and face. Rodney McKay was a man who seldom gave himself over to pleasures of the flesh... except where Radek was concerned, but tonight, he realized, was different. Tonight he was celebrating -Radek's reunion with the city, his with Radek, the three of them with each other. It was a homecoming such as Rodney had never known in his life, and he was going to make the most of it.

Pushing the water away from his face with his hands, Rodney blinked through the spray to take in the vision of the person who shared that homecoming with him, and could not but smile at the sight. Radek was standing beneath the other shower, his head thrown back and his eyes closed, his customarily disordered hair slicked back with water. Rodney gave himself a moment to enjoy what he saw, observing the water cascading over narrow but hard muscled shoulders, running in rivulets through Radek's abundant chest hair, coursing over hips and thighs, outlining the contours of a compact but perfect ass. Suddenly Rodney's hands wished to be all the places that the water was, to caress his body as a shower did, and it occurred to him that there was no reason they couldn't.

Rodney closed behind him, enfolding the compact, water slicked body in his arms and lowering his head to taste. There were no words for the delight it gave Rodney to feel Radek's body relax against his, giving a heartfelt little sigh as he did. For a long while Rodney merely held him, rocking them together ever so slightly as he nuzzled the base of Radek's neck and let the twin sprays of hot water pour over them. After a spell he let his hands wander, caressing his lover's chest and hips and belly, lingering only briefly on his already hardening cock, then climbing to find the small, hard nubs of his nipples, perked in the hot spray of the shower. Rodney toyed with these for a little while, listening to Radek give small breathy moans as he did, and feeling how the sound alone had his own flesh gradually rousing. While his left hand gently pinched fingered Radek's nipples -first one then the other- his right arm remained wrapped around Radek's waist, holding him close.

Now his rising cock found itself in the delicious place between Radek's cheeks and Rodney groaned into Radek's shoulder, feeling the warmth of arousal heating him from within as the shower heated him from without. He heard Radek give a low, mischievous chuckle seconds before he pressed his ass even more firmly against Rodney's hardness, wriggling sinuously in a way that made Rodney moan loudly and go weak in the knees. His grasp on Radek's waist loosened, allowing him to turn to face him, reaching up to claim him with a passionate, proprietary kiss.

Rodney hung, gasping and helpless in Radek's grip as he drew back from the kiss at last to a murmur heated words in to Rodney's ear.

"She wants to be with you, once again," he breathed, his lips caressing Rodney's ear as he spoke. "You know that, yes?"

Rodney gave a whimper of assent, unable to do anything else as both arousal and terror coursed through him at the thought. Twice before he had taken on Atlantis' nanocites for intimate purposes alone, and always there had been a moment of terrified chaos in his mind at first but afterwards...

"Not now, not yet," Radek promised, one hand reaching down to cup Rodney's balls. "But later, when we are in the bed and there is nothing in your mind but pleasure and desire -then she will join you."

"Oh God," Rodney stuttered brokenly, both from Radek's touch and his promises.

"For now," Radek continued, his voice steamier than the spray-filled air around them, "for now she will be content to touch you with my hands..." and now Radek's fingers were trailing up Rodney's chest, brushing over his nipples, "to kiss you with my lips..." And he was, mouth hot and hungry on Rodney's and Rodney kissed back, kissing Atlantis now with all the ardor and affection in his heart.

They kissed as the water poured over their faces and then let their lips part just enough for them to draw breath and then kissed again, hands holding each others' water slick faces, stroking over wet hair. They kissed until both their cocks were hard and aching and thrusting against each other helplessly and then they drew back, panting hard, with wide eyes and bruised lips.

"We... um," Rodney began, trying to speak long before his brain had really kicked back in. "We, um, need to... um..."

"Yes," said Radek, drawing a long, steadying breath. "Yes... Soap... Now..." he managed at last.

"God..." Rodney groaned, thinking now of how a soap slippery Radek would feel in his arms.

"For washing," Radek insisted with, Rodney thought, tremendous discipline.

However, Rodney reflected a little while later, as Radek took the soap and began applying it to Rodney's skin, it was clearly more than simple ablutions that Atlantis had in mind. It was surely Atlantis that guided Radek's graceful and agile hands as they lovingly soaped and rinsed his chest and belly, and then his shoulders and back -almost worshiping in their touch. And it was without a doubt Atlantis that inspired Radek's words, spoken softly, with the gently rolled 'r's and deepened vowels of Radek's Slavic accent, but all of the city's heart behind them.

"She thought of you," he murmured, washing attentively under Rodney arms. "She thought of us both as she waited, never knowing if she would ever see us, or know freedom again, and it was the memories of us -all of us together- that sustained her the most in that dark time."

Rodney let himself be guided, moved and handled at Radek's and the city's direction. They positioned him beneath the spray to rinse the soap off and then found the shampoo and began to wash his hair. Rodney luxuriated in the sensation of Radek's fingers working over his scalp, and let the continued outpouring of words seep into his soul.

"She remembered how you came to her, so brave and desperate and heartbroken," Radek's voice continued, "when you thought you'd lost me. You had no hope left, and yet you put your faith in her, your trust. You cannot know what that meant. Of all her memories, that is one of her greatest treasures. And later, when you had brought me back, you put your trust in her once again, and together we knew such pleasure, such joy..."

Rodney tilted his head back and closed his eyes to rinse the soap from his hair and recalled how it was to feel the city become a coherent presence in his mind. Then he recalled how it had been to make love with Radek, with the city an active and participatory presence in both of their minds -how she had shared Radek's sensations with Rodney, and vice versa, and how she had shared her own vision with both of them. Rodney found his cock, which had relaxed some with the washing, hardening once again, and his whole body became flushed with remembered, and anticipated, arousal.

It occurred to Rodney then that both his lovers - _both his lovers_ \- could sense his arousal, and he gasped with astonishment at the thought... and heard Radek chuckle.

"Yes, we will share in such pleasures again, and very soon," Radek murmured in his ear, his fingers working conditioner into his hair. "And it gives her such joy to feel how you desire it."

"God yes," Rodney gasped, unable to stay silent or passive any longer. He turned to grab Radek's shoulders and kiss him, kiss Atlantis, with all the passion and desire in his heart, and together, his two lovers - _two lovers_ \- kissed him back.

It was Rodney's turn to wash Radek after that (once he had rinsed the last of the conditioner from his hair) and by then Rodney was fully aware of the city's presence with them in the shower, and that it was Atlantis he was touching, and caressing, as he washed his human lover's body, as much as Radek's. Rodney wouldn't have it any other way.

He found it easy now to speak and know that he was speaking to Atlantis, and that even though his lips were moving against Radek's ear, the city heard his words directly, and knew they were for her.

"God I missed you," he said, combing soapy fingers through the short, fine hair covering Radek's torso. "I missed you so much it hurt, the way it hurt when I thought I'd lost... we'd lost Radek."

He'd dropped to his knees to wash Radek's legs and feet and now paused to lean his head against Radek's hip, arms wrapped around his waist, riding out the memory of his grief.

"Shh... můj drahý," she said with Radek's voice, fingers stroking his wet hair. "We are together now, and we will never be parted again."

"No," Rodney affirmed in a choked voice. "Don't care who it is or why; they're never taking you away from us again. Never. Never."

Rodney found himself shaking with the force of his feelings and remained kneeling at Radek's feet until Radek took hold of him and pulled him up. They held each other in a close embrace as the water fell over both of them, and then finally Rodney stepped away to find the shampoo.

Remarkably, Rodney found he had no need to speak now, and could let his touches speak for him as he worked the soap into the long strands of Radek's pale, brown hair. Combing his fingers through it as he rinsed the shampoo out, Rodney's heart was filled with affection for how the customarily unruly locks would fall over Radek's eyes at the most inopportune times, but now the water tamed them and Rodney caressed them away from Radek's forehead lovingly. Rodney felt as much as heard Radek's contented sigh at feeling his fingers massaging the conditioner into his hair. He leaned back against Rodney, relaxing and letting his head fall back against Rodney's shoulder and Rodney thought (not for the first time) how perfectly Radek's smaller body fit against his taller, broader one.

They stood in this manner for some time, Rodney combing his fingers through the silken strands of Radek's hair long after the last of the conditioner had been rinsed away, the warm water of the twin showers caressing both their bodies. That was Atlantis, Rodney thought, closing his eyes to feel it. That was her touch, warm, gentle and fleeting, on his skin and Radek's together.

Rodney sighed aloud, a little voice coming in to the sigh so that it was almost like a moan. Radek made a small, contented sound in reply, then reached back to cup Rodney's ass and press his own, playfully, against Rodney's groin. This time the sound Rodney made was a proper moan, and he felt his cock springing to proper attention once again. He reached in front of him to find Radek's and smiled to feel at filling beneath his very fingers.

Now the relaxed atmosphere between the two (three really) of them had transformed, and Rodney was slowly rocking his hips to press his cock between the cheeks of Radek's ass. Radek, his own body tense with arousal, was panting softly in time with Rodney's hand stroking his cock. Yes, Rodney was thinking; yes, more of this, now... and then the shower stopped.

~*~


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Atlantis wants Rodney, and she'll have him, if only for the evening.

Rodney gave a squawk of surprise and he felt Radek startle, then he laughed.

"Did you do that?" Rodney asked indignantly. Radek only shook his head and laughed more.

"Not I," he said, "but it would appear that Atlantis is becoming impatient."

"Oh fine," said Rodney, and obligingly let Radek drag him out of the shower.

They made quick work of drying each other, though Rodney could not help pausing to grin as he toweled Radek's fine hair into wild disarray. (Radek paid him back by standing all his own hair up in spikes and threatening to put gel into it while he slept, so that it would stay that way.) Gazing at the twin intelligences laughing at him from behind Radek's pale, blue eyes, Rodney remembered suddenly what was in store for him very soon, and he felt his own eyes widen and his pulse quicken.

Grinning affectionately, Radek took his hand and led him into the bedroom, standing at the foot of the bed to kiss him hard, and then pushing him back on to it. Radek's gaze was appraising, strategizing, and it was a look Rodney knew well, and was thrilled to see on his lover, especially when he was the object. At the moment, Rodney lay on his back, half on the bed, with his feet on the floor. Radek looked over him, standing between his knees, then leaned down to place his hands on either side of Rodney's chest.

"She desires to be with you very much," Radek said, bracing himself with one hand as he reached up to caress Rodney's face. "But first, I think, we must distract you -fill you with so much pleasure and desire that there is room in your mind for nothing else. Then you will be ready for her."

"Oh God..." Rodney murmured, knowing how well Radek would be able to accomplish his first goal, and just as desperate to join with Atlantis as she was to join with him. Radek leaned down to kiss him then, his body pressing against Rodney's already hard erection. He moaned into Radek's mouth and Radek only kissed him harder, his tongue fucking Rodney's mouth in anticipation of what was to come. After only a few moments, though, Radek pulled back, his hands trailing down Rodney's body to toy briefly with his nipples, tease his cock, and then grasp the cheeks of his ass and open them gently.

Rodney would not have thought to put the lube within convenient reach ahead of time, but evidently Radek had, for the fingers that probed his opening now were slick with it and slipped inside easily. Rodney groaned loudly upon being entered and immediately wanted more, his back arching with pleasure.

Radek obliged at a measured pace, one hand slipping a third finger into Rodney, the other reaching up to pinch a nipple, making Rodney squirm and writhe. It was, as intended, becoming extremely difficult for Rodney to think of anything but Radek's fiendishly persistent assault on his erogenous zones, especially after he bent down to lick the full-length Rodney's already very erect cock.

"Please..." Rodney wailed, begging for more... of anything, he didn't care, couldn't think, could only feel...

"Almost... almost, mí milovaní," Radek breathed. "You are almost ready." Then he drew his hand back, opened Rodney's thighs and pressed his cock into him, with a long, loud groan.

Rodney was torn between the desire to move, and to feel Radek move, and the soul-deep thrill of just feeling Radek's hard length deep inside him, filling him, making him complete. Slowly he became aware of the wanton, needy sounds he was making, and after a time the need became so strong that he managed to form a few words.

"Please..." he whimpered. "Please, Radek..." Words fell far short of indicating the strength of his need, but the pitch of his voice, and the way his hands fisted into the bedclothes beneath him likely conveyed some of this. (#1)

Radek's gaze on him was heavy lidded, but there was a burning pale fire visible beneath those half closed eyelids. He began moving slowly, deliberately, hands grasping hard on Rodney's thighs, drawing almost all the way out and then pushing all the way back in again, burying himself deep. He continued on in this manner, taking what seemed a leisurely pace, save that his breaths were becoming increasingly unsteady, for a dozen strokes more, then reached up to curl lube slicked fingers around Rodney's cock, stroking him in the same slow rhythm as he fucked him.

Rodney arched his back and wailed, feeling his climax drawing near, helpless to prevent it. Radek was not so helpless, however. With cruel, calculating skill, he brought Rodney right to the brink, then released Rodney's cock (still fucking him slowly all the while), bent down and, without warning, bit his nipple, hard. Rodney gave a strangled shout, jerked back from the edge of orgasm suddenly and all but overcome with the myriad of sensations Radek was subjecting him to. He was not expecting it -he was not thinking of anything coherent at all- when Radek leaned up and kissed him, deep and wet.

The sharp, tingling in his mouth took Rodney by surprise, though he knew what it was instantly. In the past, Atlantis' touch had brought with it a terrifying confusion of random data, in response to his ATA gene, though their joint arousal and intense emotions would quickly drown these out, and Rodney tried to brace himself for it. He was in no way prepared, however, for the flood-tide of emotions that washed over him the moment the tingling in his mouth abated.

 _You!!! Missed you!!_ her thoughts were jumbled, but her feelings unmistakable. _Missed you, missed you... so lonely, so very loney, missedyou, missedyou, missedyou, have you back now, have you back! Now, now, now, you, you, youyouyouyouyou...!!!_

Rodney gasped, shuddering at the sudden intensity of it, and realized that Radek was as well. His lover seemed staggered, and had dropped to his knees on the floor between Rodney's legs, pulling out of him as he did. He rested now, right cheek laying against the inside of Rodney's thigh, panting softly and murmuring words in Czech which Rodney could not understand, but which reverberated with meaning in the city's consciousness.

"I'm here," Rodney murmured himself, echoing those feelings. "I'm here now. We're here, we're home... _you're_ home. Nowhere... no one else will ever be home... no one..."

It was a long several moments before that flood-tide of emotions finally ebbed enough that Rodney became aware of anything else, primarily the rough, scratchy texture of Radek's cheek against the soft skin of his thigh, and his warm breath against the base of Rodney's cock. They needed, Rodney decided right away, to be closer.

 _Yes._ Of course she agreed, and without a word being spoken, Radek pushed himself to his feet, with an effort Rodney could feel, and climbed onto the bed. Once there, he kept going, dragging Rodney with him till they were both situated in the center of the bed, and then they fell together, arms and legs tangling, mouths hungrily devouring each other. She was there too, drinking in the sensations of flesh moving against flesh, of hot, wet tongues and lips contesting, of two hard cocks sliding against one another, ecstasy building again towards release.

 _Hold, hold... slow..._ It was hard to say whose thought that was, which was just a little terrifying for Rodney to contemplate, because it was possibly all three of them. It was possible that they had become one creature with three minds, two flesh bodies and one... city, with a thousand eyes, several of which were watching the two writhing bodies on the bed with some interest. The vision startled Rodney just a bit, as if seeing himself brought him back to himself. Radek too seemed to posses himself once again, falling still to lie against Rodney, his cheek pillowed on Rodney's shoulder and his fingers idly playing with a nipple.

They both smiled at the surge of feeling this image brought to Atlantis, and then grinned to see their own smiles. Radek pushed himself up then, his lithe body arching like a cat's as he reached over to suck the nipple he had been fingering. Rodney let a sigh escape and heard it transform into a moan as Radek's tongue did wicked, wonderful things. He lifted his hips, feeling his cock respond to the touch, and raised a hand to run his fingers through Radek's hair. And then, astonishingly, he was feeling that hand moving in Radek's hair, feeling the hard nub of his own nipple under Radek's tongue, and they both gasped.

God almighty, Rodney's mind stuttered, she was doing it again, feeding them each others' sensations so that they hardly knew where one of them stopped and the other began. Now Radek knew just how much Rodney's cock ached to be touched, and Rodney knew just how much Radek longed to take it in his mouth. They moved as one, Rodney opening his legs to make room for Radek, Radek shifting himself to kneel between Rodney's thighs, lowering his head to take what Rodney thrust up to him.

The dual sensations of sucking and being sucked nearly undid him right then and there, but Atlanits' presence in his mind somehow helped him maintain control. She was with him as he immersed himself in the sensations of a hot, wet mouth closing over his sex, and of his own rigid, heated flesh filling Radek's mouth. Radek was taking him, so deep, sucking, tonguing, and Rodney could feel how his own cock tasted in Radek's mouth, the salty tang of precum and velvet smoothness of the skin of his cock against Radek's tongue. His loud moans and the groaning hum Radek gave around the hard flesh filling his mouth blended, and together the sounds were music to her ears. (#2)

Radek knew when Rodney ws about to succumb to the urge to move and thrust even as he did, and was ready, wanting it. Rodney knew the thrill of feeling the head of his cock at the back of Radek's throat, and knew as well how Radek craved it, how he loved feeling his own throat closing around it as he swallowed. Together, the three of them found a rhythm, to suck and swallow, to thrust and pull back, to immerse them in the images of Radek's mouth stretched wide around Rodney's cock, of Rodney's head thrown back, eyes closed and yet still seeing.

Their arousal grew together, reaching such intensity that not even the mighty city's control could hold them back. Rodney's desire, however, could. He could hardly frame even the nature of his need, so scattered were his thoughts, but there was something else he wanted, powerfully enough that it asserted itself in his other two lovers' minds as well.

 _This,_ Rodney managed clumsily, grasping at the memory of a sensation from a little earlier. Atlantis provided an image: Radek fucking him at the edge of the bed. _Yes!_ Rodney felt the desire surge in him. _Want to finish with this._

Grinning dazedly, Radek knelt back, releasing Rodney's cock from his mouth, and then reached down to finger Rodney's opening, and they both felt how slick and relaxed he still was from before. Trembling with anticipation, Radek stretched across to reach the lube on the far side of the bed, but even as he began to slick up his cock once more, Atlantis sent them both an image of how she wanted them to arrange themselves. They both knew how she liked to be able to see as much as she could, especially their faces, and while they had found it just a bit awkward at first (it can be a little disturbing to see one's own face contorted in the throes of ecstasy -it's not something one is usually able to see) the depth of her affection for them at these moments helped them past this, and they were mostly accustomed to it by now.

Accordingly, Radek stretched out on his back as he slicked his cock, copuis quantities of precum mixing with the lube he applied, and Rodney, with much effort, levered himself up to crawl over to Radek's side. Rodney bent to kiss him as he straddled Radek's long torso, framing his face with his hands and savoring the taste of his own precum in Radek's mouth. As lovely as that was, however, Rodney was impatient, hungry to be filled, and after only a few moments he drew back from the kiss to position himself, holding his ass cheeks open as he settled over Radek's slick and rigid cock.

Radek's cock and Rodney's opening found each other unerringly, and there was almost no resistance at all as Rodney lowered himself onto it and he was entered. Relaxing his thighs and sinking down onto Radek's body, Rodney impaled himself on Radek's cock, releasing a soul-deep groan as he was filled. When at last his full weight was resting on Radek's pelvis and the full length of his cock was buried deep in Rodney's body, Atlantis shared her vision, of Rodney with his eyes closed again, in an expression of utter bliss, and Radek, panting brokenly beneath him, lips moving in some silent Slavic profanity, and trembling slightly all over.

 _Mi milovani,_ this was Atlantis, her thoughts steeped with the profoundest affection and desire. _Fuck for me..._ As if either of them could refuse... (#3)

They moved as one to comply, Rodney pushing himself up, Radek tilting his hips back, drawing his cock part way out. Then they were coming together again, Rodney sinking back down, Radek thrusting up, and Rodney was no less aware of Radek's hard length entering deep into his body than he was of how his body closed, hot and tight and slick around Radek's flesh. 

They found a new rhythm, this one faster paced and more urgent. It was a hungry rhythm, commanding their panting breaths and the pounding of their hearts, and she was controlling it, controlling them, as much as she was consumed by it. Now three very extraordinary and powerful minds were overcome entirely by the sensations of hot, hard, throbbing flesh thrusting and filling, of a hot, slick, tight body taking and being filled, of friction and motion of skin against skin, and the vision of a hard, glistening column of flesh pushing in and drawing back out, again and again and again...

This time there was no stopping the coming conflagration, not that anyone wanted to. The heat of passion and ecstasy built, passed a flash point and then took them all, all at once, in a white heat of completion. Rodney heard his own shrieking voice and Radek's as one, felt the city's roar of unaccustomed pleasure flash like fire through all her systems as though they were part of his own body. They were undone, all of them, individual consciousnesses obliterated with the force of their climax. There was a pulsing throb of heat deep inside one body, a spatter of molten ecstasy searing the skin of another, bodies spasmed and convulsed with an almost frightening violence, for an almost unendurable amount of time, and then at last, the fires began to abate.

Awareness of his own body returned before anything else did. He was drained, his strength gone and he knew he was collapsing to lie prone on top of another body, though he did not even knew who he was or whose body he was lying on. As he shuddered through another aftershock, the connection, where the other's flesh joined with his, slipped apart, and then he knew that he was Rodney, and the other was Radek, and that there was a third, the city, whose mind held them both, but was not of them anymore. He and Radek were both breathing hard, pulling deep breaths into their respective lungs, and it occurred to Rodney that the weight of his body on Radek's might be impeding his efforts, and so he rolled off to the side, finding his arms coming to enclose the other gently.

They lay like that for some time, only margianlly aware of who and where they were, every part of their beings still buzzing with the ebbing force of their climax. Rodney did not think he had ever felt such peace or pleasant contentment, not that he could remember much of anything at the moment, but he was pretty sure that was true anyway. The city, Atlantis, it came to him now, was picking up the pieces of herself more quickly than he or Radek, for obvious reasons. That would be, Rodney's pleasantly sardonic inner voice contributed, because she is a massively complex, arificially intelligent data system, _and_ city sized spaceship, while you are a mere mortal human, albeit a fairly brilliant one.

And now, Rodney mused happily, she is an artificially intelligent, city sized spaceship with _three_ ZedPMs and dozens of newly refurbished systems and facilities. He felt Atlantis' own pleasure at this reflection, wandering with her through a few of these new systems. 

_ZedPM power at 99.3%,_ she reported happily, and _drone storage at 97% capacity. Drone count, 72,801. Sublight drive systems, green; hyperdrive systems, green; inertial dampeners, green. Water damage in sectors SWr27, SWr28, SWr29..._

Wait, wait, Rodney thought. Way more than I need to know here... oh shit... Suddenly Rodney realized what was happening. Now that the intensity of their feelings had cooled a little, he was once again getting unwanted random data from Atlantis' nanocites interacting with his ATA gene.

"Radek...?" he managed, but Radek was already aware of the situation, and moving to correct it.

"Time to go," Rodney gasped as Radek moved to his side, framing Rodney's face with his hands as he drew them together.

"That it is, miláčku," he murmured with affection, bending to kiss him, to kiss them both.

Rodney sighed with relief at the sharp tingling in his lips and tongue that signaled the departure of Atlantis' nanocites from his body. Though he'd had some positively terrifying experiences with Atlantis' nanocites in the past, and he truly dreaded the thought of being bombarded with the flood of random data they inevitably brought, Rodney found himself missing the city's presence in his mind the moment it was gone. He felt empty, and he rolled over to close his arms around Radek in a tight embrace.

"She misses you too, miláčku," he said, kissing him tenderly on the face. "Just remember that she holds you still, and she is always with you."

Rodney nodded wordlessly, relaxing the tightness of his grip on Radek somewhat but keeping him close still. Radek was content, and they lay together quietly like this for some time, still enjoying their post coital glow too much to drift into sleep quite yet.

As various random thoughts, almost all of them unusually pleasant in Rodney's experience, flitted through his mind, Rodney siezed on one, curious.

"She did it again, didn't she?" he asked, giving closer regard to a nearly inexplicable memory of a surge of almost unfathomable power and strength, burning through all three of their minds at the moment of climax. "She fired the stardrive again."

"Ano," said Radek a little distractedly. "She did." He was silent for a moment and then said, "she wants so much to fly again... and she knows she could now..."

"Mm..." said Rodney thoughtfully in reply. He shifted a little, turning his head so that he looked across Radek's body to the window behind them, to gaze upon the moonlit city beyond.

"We'll get you there, ma zlatíčko," he promised quietly. "You'll fly again; we'll all fly together. I swear it."

Rodney felt his eyes drifting closed a moment later, and heard Radek's breathing, soft and even, as he dropped off to sleep as well. Rodney's promise reverberated in his heart as he began to drift off, however. Atlantis _would_ fly, and they would fly with her. He was as certain of that as he was certain the the sun would rise in the morning, and thinking this lifted Rodney's heart. Knowing this, as sleep overcame Rodney at last, lifted his dreams. (#4)

=FIN=

© 2008 T. Dancinghands

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Even more NSFW Illustrations:
> 
> [(#1)](http://www.tdancinghands.com/PleasureAndDesire.htm)   
>  [(#2)](http://www.tdancinghands.com/Devotion.htm)   
>  [(#3)](http://www.tdancinghands.com/Climax.htm)   
>  [(#4)](http://www.tdancinghands.com/Sleeping%20Geeks.htm)


End file.
